15 September, 2015

The Fog



It has been months since I have written a blog.  I had heavily considered disabling my blog altogether. Even went so far as deleting many of the accompany photos yet something would always distract me at the moment when I would go to delete it...

Well I guess it is good that I did not.  It is 2:27am EST and I can not sleep.  It has been such a rough several months.  I usually try to refocus and remain optimistic about what is on the horizon however it has taken all of my mental & physical strength to accomplish that as of late.

I feel like my life has been plagued by a perpetual fog.  Ever seen some of those old movies and you see people walk off into a looming fog or you see this deep thick fog that just settles eerily on a town?  That is how my life feels. Like I am just stuck in the thick of a permeating never ceasing fog. Truth be told "the fog" is just symbolic for how I have been mentally feeling for a very long time - yet we do all the programmed socially accepted forms of fake happiness to make others feel comfortable as to not intrude your issues within their life.

Confession:  I have been on my own since I left my parents house at 17 years old to attend college.  As a younger woman, I bought into the idea that we are supposed to go away to college become educated, meet your husband, have a successful career and have children.  Well life just did not work out that way for me.

Went to college - check.
Had a successful career - check.
Had a child - check.

((Never met that husband, tho!))

Don't know what happened or why it happened but somewhere along my travels I miss the marriage boat.  (Not counting myself out in the future - just speaking of past and present).  I look back and yes, I can say I am grateful that I did not marry some of the men I have dated even received marriage proposals from, yet that still does not remove the question in my mind regarding - Did I miss something or someone along the way? I went through the typical stages of girl/womanhood. Naivety, Promiscuity, Self-Awareness, Independence, Religiosity, Spirituality, Consciousness and lastly Contentment.  Anyone who disagrees with these stages are either stuck at one level or have not graduated to the next in my opinion.  One thing leads to another if you are really honest about self-reflection and self-improvement.

Through all of these stages, it has always been a lonely walk ((The Fog)).  I have never truly been apart or totally accepted within a relationship or around others (family/friends).  It has always been that unsettling feeling of loneliness that I have had all my life.  We are told and duped into believing that when you meet your life partner that the "loneliness" leaves.  That maybe so...since I have not encountered my life partner I can not comment on the validity of that belief.  What I do know is as a single, 42 year old woman, my loneliness is super duper LOUD in my life right now.  People assume lonely to mean you are depressed and hopeless or even to mean that loneliness is only indicative of single people.  I submit unto you that theory is not true.  I know for a fact that you can be involved within a relationship and still be extremely lonely.  Lonely, for me can be defined in different ways.  It can mean lonely as in singular by yourself - makes me think of an old 60s rock song by Three Dog Night, One. LOL!! (Hey I was born in the early 70s, I know these things -- hahaa)

Lonely, can also be defined as not being understood/accepted.  With this type of lonely you can still be involved with someone and they never understand your train of thought/values and/or what is important to you.  I have been in both definitions at different periods in my life, currently I believe I am experiencing both definitions at the same time.

I am intelligent enough to know that - "my day" will come.  To be thankful that I did not get too deeply ensnared within previous relationships - yet "knowing" and "accepting" are two different things.  I know all about perception and the power of positive thinking.  We are subliminally taught that we are supposed to be long-suffering and patient about the hand we have been dealt.  We are not supposed to complain.  We are supposed to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and wear our "big girl panties" or "big man boxers" if you are male, ha! We are supposed to grab life and ride the ebb of the tide.  No one truly discusses how that tide can beat your ass down.  How the tide can make you so exhausted that all you want to do is just lay down and just cease and desist everything. Not saying you want to die at all, just lay in a spot where all the travails and commitments of life just do an ultimate pause and all you have to do is just lay there and breathe.

Nothing else.

Just.

Breathe.

For women such as myself - to say that you are mentally and physically exhausted is like admitting that you do not believe in the Most High anymore. Blasphemy!  My heavens -- Where is your faith, woman?  Oh ye of little faith?!  Well to that I say - I do not know where my faith is.  You get to a point sometime where you even question your own beliefs.  What do you really believe in?  If you believe so strongly in these values - why have they not manifested themselves within your life.  Why does up seem like down? Why does down seem like a curve? Why does a curve seem like a narrow line? Why does the narrow line seem like a circle?  Funny, you almost feel like you are a two year old sitting in some philosophical class - constantly saying why, why, why?  I was laying in my bed tonight thinking, I said to myself, "Most High, I believe in you -- but do you really believe in me?"

It gets that way sometimes.  I have been doing things on my own for so dog gone long - that to be candid - this shit is old!  After 25 years, Sister is tapped the freak out. I feel like I have no more to give.  I am not a bitter woman about anything - I am just tired.  There is a big big difference.

I need Meredith to throw me a lifeline.  I need to phone a friend.



As humans affection and appreciation are vital to the beings we are.  Affection and appreciation is the water of life.. They both need each other - they are integral parts of the others composition.  Water is what sustains us. Literally.

I am parched! Someone point me to the nearest oasis.

Can a sister can a glass of water?!

For now, I am resigned to this desert called life and I am telling you it is a struggle to keep on keeping on.


Signed,

Diary of a Tired Black Woman.

30 April, 2014

Make it last forever...



One of the most special and treasured relationships I have is with my sister/best-friend. Last night speaking with her - just made me appreciate her so much more. In 24 years, she and I have NEVER argued, disrespected each other or caused the other to feel unappreciated.

What is our secret you ask?

She and I learned how to
1. Accept each other for who we are.
2. Respect each others space.
3. Not cross boundaries.


Just because you have a tenured friendship/relationship with anyone whether it is God-given or biological - that comfortness does NOT give you the right to be disrespectful AND/OR say whatever you feel to each other. People have this twisted thought - that because I "KNOW" you - I can be "HONEST" with you all under the guise of telling you off and getting whatevers on their chest off and onto yours. Using the length or closeness in your relationship as an excuse to cut you with their words.

That is a LIE from the pits of HELL! 



Respect is a highly limited character commodity that very few people are utilizing these days.

When you truly love the person that is within your life - you want to make sure that your love does not hurt, smother, cause pain, or discomfort.

My love for my best friend -- pushes me to show her nothing but unadulterated respect. No matter what we do - where we go or our station in life that will never change.

If you want to truly have a deep long lasting friendship/relationship - learn to respect the other person. 


Trust me your relationship will NOT end until God calls one of you home.

Just a little insight.

Have a great evening.

25 September, 2013

I SEE YOU...


Satan is on your heels each and everyday. It is your DUTY to acknowledge him NOT give him power. When you KNOW he is the one behind the challenges you are experiencing stand boldy and say I SEE YOU!! 

This may not be Biblical, but I have even began to tell Satan thank you! Thank you for the challenges you throw my way because now I most assuredly know that I am being obedient to my God and I am within his will otherwise you would NOT be attacking me. Just so you know, my God is more powerful though so tread lightly!

Remember people of faith "Ephesians 6:12 KJV For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" 

Tell your problems how BIG your God is, not tell God how big your problems are!



18 September, 2013

Bag Lady...

Are you healthy?

I mean really truly healthy? I am not just speaking mentally or physically.

Healthy is an all encompassing word. My definition of health is Mentally, Physically and Spiritually. All three parts make a whole. You can not be lacking in one area and think that you are truly healthy.

Being Physically overweight is just one indicator of what is happening internally. Yet, do not let people fool you into believing that because they are slim, fit or in physically good shape that they are healthy. There could be some other physical issues along with mental and spiritual issues that need to be addressed.

I personally am not healthy. I am honest enough to admit that I am 126lbs OVERWEIGHT! I have let life attack me one pound at a time. Every pound of weight that I am over, is baggage. Be it a bag of hurt, a bag of disappointment, or a bag of sadness. Many fail to realize that losing weight does NOT make you healthy. You also have to work on your inner self so you do not walk back into that cycle again.

I think of the song Bag Lady by Erykah Badu, I am currently she. I have began to make those changes in my life. As I work my way towards a lifestyle of TRUE health.

I also encourage you to take those desired steps. If you are not overweight, begin to assess your life; other areas of your physical health, mental health and spiritual health.

Take inventory, seriously. It is NOT easy!!!

I empathize with you because I am you. Lets have a healthier life together, Ok! 


Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper 
and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. 3 John 1: 2 KJV

11 September, 2013

I am Light!

I have some truly wonderful women who "SEE" me. 

They see my Light. They refuse to let it darken or go dim. 

They love me so much that they invest their wisdom into me and pray over me regularly. You MUST have people who will NOT let you settle for stinking thinking. You MUST have people who WILL NOT allow you to view yourself negatively and will rebuke the negativity of others around you. 

Just two of those women are my Aunt Brenda and my cousin Joyce. 

Ask God to send you those people of strength that you want to mirror. 

  • Those people who are overcomers. 
  • Those people who success is not measured by the worlds standards of finances, material gain or popularity. 
  • Those people who are humble and meek yet their strength is stronger than a jungle Lion. 


YOU are worth far more than your mind could ever conceive.

Know it. Believe it. Accept it.

10 September, 2013

Feed Your Soul


You need to find what feeds your soul. 

Whether that is music, scripture, books, visual art, something. Your something. 

Things that seed positivity into your thoughts, your spirit. 
Things that cause you to be introspective and convict you to change what you can and accept what you can not. 
Things that inspire you to love yourself deeper than another individual ever could. 
Things that calm you and allow the sanctuary of your soul to rest.

Things that make you smile -- and smile deeply.

For me, music is just one of those things. 



Gregory Porter new album Liquid Spirit, feeds my soul.

What feeds you? Find it - and use it daily.

Fawn 




09 September, 2013

Keep Calm and Just Do You...

Many people are not going to understand the path you have chosen and to be honest you should not force them. What you should do is stay on your chartered course. Realize your passion and calling is not for all to buy into, those who do --will do so voluntarily and without request. Take the energy from those faithful few and continue to press forward to whatever goals you have. Even when you do not understand what is going on with your own life -- STILL stay on course.

For me, my course is being a mom. At the age my son is, it is not about me trying to pave new roads, find this super career, creating a new/different plan, or reinventing myself. 

I am 40 with a 6 year old - my focus is training and educating him, nothing more - nothing less. All things, I do must work around his schedule NOT he work around mine. 

Along the way, God will and has always provided for me miraculous opportunities for me. 

Never allow others to devalue your calling. Appreciate the challenges and obstacles set before you. Learn that you are no less than anyone else no matter what their bank statement may say, what they may be driving or where they may be living.

I want to thank God for entrusting me with such an important task to do for a phenomenal son. 

Smile and be proud of where you are in your life - no one fought the battles you fought, no one wears your battle scars the way you do - no one will appreciate your life more than you. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and tell your testimony BACK to yourself just so you can realize GOD has NOT forgotten you.

So where ever you are in your life, give yourself a pat on the back and say, "I made it!" You may not be at your mountaintop yet, but you are at it's summit -- which is just as good a view.

I hope this encourages someone today.

Blessings to you all.

Fawn