20 November, 2010

Secrets of the spirit...

Isn't it amazing the power of the brain to completely block out issues as if they never even occur?  Funny how when you sit people watching it seems that people are effortlessly moving through life, then others are struggling just to walk several feet, then their others that are standing so still that you would assume them to be a mime.  These particular people "the mimes" have mastered the art of standing still so long they have even fooled you into believing that they are indeed moving, only because their surroundings are in constant transition so they must be moving, right? WRONG?!

I've got a confession to make...I'm a mime!  I don't know when I stopped moving but somewhere along life I did.  My spirit just stopped.  Just like a dead battery that gives you no forewarning that it is losing charge, you just go to use a certain device a remote control, camera, car, watch and just at that moment it stopped working unexpectedly.  When you become a mime you become very masterful in masking your emotion, almost like Marcel Marceau. You move with the ebb and flow of life, yet you are still as quiet.

I've got another confession to make...I have a broken spirit.  I think we tend to dull our issues down because nobody likes a whiner or complainer. Nobody likes a kill joy or Debbie Downer.  Yet the only thing I know is that for my soul to heal is I must say, Hello my name is Fawn, and I have a broken spirit.  If I had to pin-point one moment in my life that maybe began the initial crack which progressed to a completely broken soul, I would have to say 1 April, 1984.  What happened that day?  My mother, passed away of a brain aneurysm at the ripe young age of 34.  I believe I have been on Auto-pilot since I have been 11 years old. That is 26 long long years.  There were subsequent other things that resulted in a full broken vessel, but all those things are too painful to discuss let alone has any place on a blog. 

I like my world quiet, without ruffles.  I'm a plain Jane.  I like vanilla yogurt.  I like plain water.   I like white rice.  I like a natural look, nothing to colorful.  I'm just a no frills kinda girl.  Nothing over the top, over stated or dramatic.  Keep it simple!  I don't venture out in life anymore.  I people watch and admire the joy they exude. I don't smile inside any more.  I don't laugh outwardly any more, I don't feel life as beautiful any more, I guess I question "did I ever?"  My soul aches like old bones needing a good massage.  My soul is sore from holding hurt and standing on pause so long, like when you have a fever intially your body is just full of heat but eventually from having such an elevated temperature your body begins to ache from all the heat.  The SICK heat.  My soul is sick.  A person once asked me, "Do we ever really forgive or do we just move on in life -- avoiding the issue(s)?"  I believe that to be a personal question we all must answer, for only we know ourselves if you have truly forgiven or if you have avoided issues.  We like to sound all Iyanla Vanzant/Dr. Phil'ish" and say yes we have forgiven, yes we are happy, whole and healed.

Truth is every one of us - carries our baggage with us -- and that baggage just waits for the prime opportunity to pop out.

I encourage you all "To thine own self be true"  be honest with your self and don't be afraid to admit you are flawed.  However, once you admit it, NOW you have to begin the road to wellness so you may have that healthy, happy, whole soul.  As I seek to bring balance back into my life after 26 years, I laugh at the irony of how I have a tattoo of a yin and yang symbol on my shoulder.  I have always professed to be such a complete and whole person yet, I became so deep in my issues that I began to fool my ownself.  No, you don't half to do your self evaluation as I am. However, I earnestly want to do better and be better and with that comes a responsibility to be committed to myself.  
How can I fix me when it is me who needs the the fixing?

Fixing oneself, ha! a paradox within itself!  

I can not fix me is the answer. 

So I reach out and I explore those methods to wholeness that will help me.  My faith is one of the items that is helping me, my son is another, good honest and TRUSTING friends is another and lastly a good psychologist!  Can I interrupt the regularly scheduled program to tell you how hard it is to have liked living your world in quietness, natural colors and no frills for 23 years all to have a 3 year old who likes LOUD, bright, over the top items?  You see my 3 year old LOVES life!  

He isn't broken like mommy.  

Many are afraid to admit that they need counseling in any form.  Many feel others will judge you for going to a counselor and you are right.  People WILL judge you, say nasty things to you, make smart remarks, and all sorts of things. Those people are THE ONES you must quickly eliminate from your life, because those people are the ones who are too ashamed to admit they too need counseling on some level or another!!!  
Just as a car needs a regular tune-up the human mind needs the same thing.  Do you realize people go through this whole life sometimes anywhere between 80-100 years and NEVER get serviced??  Makes you wonder how crazy they really are even if you "THINK" they are sane.  During those years, those same people will tell you that they had to find a way to manage/cope through life. Whether that was "leaning on Jesus", or "taking a sip every now and again", there was a method that they used to help with their madness.   

I leave you with this India Arie video "Get it together" there are no truer words being sung.

Don't you just love music therapy or what I also call music ministry, because music truly ministers to my soul?!


  1. Hy!wonderful blog!
    my name's martina and I come from Italy...I'd like you visit my blog and if you want...follow me!I wait you and your tips!kiss kiss ^^

  2. Fawn, I want you to know that you're not alone. It has taken me years to smile and be happy again and trust me when I say, "I've tried almost everything" to bring me true happiness or to get back to being the happy person I once was. My advice would be to find a good professional person to talk with and I'm not talking about preachers although there's nothing wrong with them, I'm just saying it should be someone you don't know. They say, "Time heals things" but for some of us it may take longer with more help. Continue to express yourself with your writing, being with your child and finding some happiness for yourself. ~ Sending Peace & Blessing to YOU! ~ Wil

  3. BTW, You have very good taste in music! :-)