26 January, 2011

Identity Theft...

...aka things I have learned while being single

So far this week has started off in such a climatic way that it even boggles me!  That however is not what I am going to be focusing on.  

So I'm a people observer and I pay close attention to not just what people say but what people do not say in their words and actions.

I have noticed through the years how so often how our married brothers and sisters completely lose their sense of self within their spouse and marriage.  I mainly attribute this to the fact that these same married people had no sense of self before they got married.  

People find out who you are -- revel in it!  

When I was a teenager I had such an identity crisis -- hell, some of that rolled right on over into adulthood.  I was that lightskin girl with that "Good hair" who folks was always trying to pigeon hole me as "bougie", "wealthy", "stuck up", "trophy girlfriend" and all that BS!! I laugh and shake my head as I type this because funny how people love to throw labels and assumptions!

I entered college and tried to fit in by joining certain college groups, becoming sexually promiscuous thinking that would gain me an "in", getting "saved"and becoming religious, becoming that "conscious" sister -- I promise you when I look at Common's video " I used to love H.E.R - I swore he could have been singing about me and my evolution even though he was talking about the evolution of rap.

I really was a lost soul.

It is funny to me now when I look back on it - but Lordy I just knew I had cornered the market on knowledge in each phase I was in.  As an older single woman NEVER been married I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to go through these evolutions without that additional person in my life because good googly moogly I can not even begin to think how much more confused I may be or how much longer it would have taken me to "FIND" me so to speak.  I have learned as a single person not to place my identity within anything or anyone.

When I reference anything that is inclusive of faith, career, education, activities, wealth or etc.  

None of these things define you!  
None of it!  Trust me!  

I have a strong faith in God and you may or may not be able to tell from my blog that I am really a spiritual woman -- I like to shoot the breeze.  I do occasionally curse, listen to "secular" music, laugh at inappropriate foolishness and all in all have a joyful life.  Just because another may listen to Marvin Sapp + Mahalia Jackson and Yolanda Adams don't curse and virtually live at their place of worship does NOT make them any closer to salvation than a person who does the exact opposite.

When I reference anyone that is inclusive of my child, my family, my friends and those I socialize with.  

Many people single/married a like lose themselves within their children, partners, spouses, other family members or friends lives.  They spend so much time correcting, advising, gossiping, and involving themselves in others lives that when you ask them about who they are -- they couldn't tell you one sentence about who they are.

The common thread of most of my blogs is finding a sense of self!  People seriously learn who you are - don't let others lack of identity make you feel subordinate or ashamed.

Because truth be told they are envious of certain aspects within your own life or lack thereof in their life.  I had someone say to me several nights ago "it must suck to be an almost 40 single woman never married".  They think I didn't hear the comment because I rolled right on and didn't even feel the desire to check them on their statement.  However, in that person's statement their was envy, their was insecurity, their was anger, their was fear.    What they were really saying was "it sucks for ME to be an almost 40 year old male who is single never married".  Funny how people take their emotions and want to thrust them on you.  

Are there things I want and am in the process of changing regarding my life? Yes.  No I have not have not had my Mecca moment - but I really, really like who I am.  Makes me laugh to even say it, cause I feel like an old Saturday Night Live skit 

The thing that troubles me most honestly is just stability in finances for me -- but questioning the content of my character - No way, Jose'.  My best friend and I were speaking today and she too concurred my sentiments -  by the way shout out to the best friend in my world Lenita L. Henderson, that girl knows she can make me cry at the drop of a dime!

The whole point of today's blog is, singles loving yourself means learning your self; the good, the bad and the ugly. When and if you get married it will make one less issue you and your mate will have to add to the dynamics of disagreements you will have.  In this age of identity theft in terms of credit -- you should protect and know who YOU are just as good if not better than your credit.

And if you are married, if you have become lost and or having issues within your marriage that you all are NOT discussing -- maybe the issues start with YOU.  Maybe you need to find some way to travel back to your center or even begin the discovery of your center.  Don't wait ...because time as we know waits for NO ONE.

So no it does not suck being close to 40, single and never married - it just means my priorities are in other places and my happiness is not contingent upon another person or thing.

Our video of the week is Didn'cha Know: Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun


  1. Wow! What a great read this morning! Evolving takes time, and its a wondrous journey! I've read countless of times and I'm a walking testament the time a woman reaches her 40's is when she really begins to hit her stride and blossom!

    I agree, it does get cloudy in relationships, especially in long term relationships when the significant other isn't supportive in any change due to dealing with their own insecurities. One thing is certain, you cannot allow anyone to block your path, this is a part of life we all must go through!

    We are all human, we may have the same goal, the path to this goal will be different however this doesn't mean I am any less of a person.

    Enjoy ourselves, and live!

  2. The minute I started reading, I latched on--many of those same identity issues were ones with which I struggled too (and even more). It takes a lot of courage to admit to having had--and overcome--them, but isn't it beautiful when you see how you've evolved (and even more to come)? I love the knowledge, experience and confidence that come with being over 35--wouldn't want to be back in my teens or 20s--madness!!! Hmmm...although I wouldn't mind having the faster metabolism back though! ;)

    BTW, you're absolutely right: the man that made that ridiculous comment is obviously miserable and wants to project that onto you. Yuck. How many times will people have to be told: It's not just about being in a relationship, it's about being in a functional, healthy and happy one. I've read that most all romantic relationships are dysfunctional to some degree (http://www.livereal.com/relationship_arena/typical_cycle_tolle.htm). There are many women nearing 40 who are married and very unhappy--they'd love to be YOU right now.

    Continue being and doing wonderful you!!!!