14 May, 2012

The Burden of Love

I can truly say that I have NEVER been in Love. Oh, I cared a lot about my son's father, but if I am honest that relationship was more out of convenience and acceptance than based on true love, at least what I was giving. 

John 15: 9-13 NLT 9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I never thought of what or how God's love manifest itself in people or compels people. I only saw God from a Fatherly perspective not from an intimate or endearing type of love. I know the Lord admonishes us to "love" our fellow man, for years I have always thought, "Ok, I can do that" foolishly. 

Recently, God placed upon my heart to truly unselfishly, unrequitedly, unequally love someone without expectation or thought. This has been one of my biggest emotional and spiritual challenges to date. I got so wrapped up in praying and asking God to send "His desired" person for me, that I completely missed that he was calling me to do the same for some else without questioning why. I have to tell you, to say this is a challenge is really short-changing on describing how this is effecting my emotional, mental and spiritual life. I am in constant daily prayer for this person ALL DAY, I honestly don't even sleep well God wakes me up -- to pray for this person at all hours of the night. I am confused at what God is having me do and why me? I am annoyed that am feeling emotions that I have never felt and they are so heavy on my heart that they cause me to cry daily! I am angry with myself because I feel I should not feel such frustration and I shouldn't be fighting God on this task. But it is so so hard!!! When communicating with them, I have no idea even what to say anymore or even how to interact because of the calling God has placed on me. 

Let me tell you what I know, when GOD calls you to honestly do something -- you undoubtedly know. It is the why's, that gets us caught up. I keep saying "Why me, Lord?!" , "Why now?!" , "Why them?!" , "Why, why, why?!"

I am re-reading a book I purchased some years ago -- I know it will bring me solace in this situation.
I ask you to pray for me as I do what he has called me to do. 

My Prayer: Father God, I am but a sinner. As I commit myself to this act of sacrifice, I ask you to give me the strength to be a good Steward of the Love that you have overwhelming placed on my heart to Love this person. I ask you to grant me peace of mind and a calm spirit. I ask you to allow me to feel the joy and freedom in this love and not continue to view it as a burden. Let me bold and courageous in this task. Give me YOUR eyes so I may look upon this person in Love. To see the task you have placed before me as a gift and NOT a burden. To be grateful to have been chosen to embark upon this special task. I ask you to give me YOUR mind to think with YOUR thoughts and convey your words. Let this person become whole and healed. And feel the blessing that you have bestowed upon them in this love. AMEN

A one-sided love, I wonder is this how God feels every day when he Loves us and we barely even think to give that Love back to him. When I think about it, maybe that is what he is teaching me. Teaching me how he loves us.

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