15 September, 2015

The Fog



It has been months since I have written a blog.  I had heavily considered disabling my blog altogether. Even went so far as deleting many of the accompany photos yet something would always distract me at the moment when I would go to delete it...

Well I guess it is good that I did not.  It is 2:27am EST and I can not sleep.  It has been such a rough several months.  I usually try to refocus and remain optimistic about what is on the horizon however it has taken all of my mental & physical strength to accomplish that as of late.

I feel like my life has been plagued by a perpetual fog.  Ever seen some of those old movies and you see people walk off into a looming fog or you see this deep thick fog that just settles eerily on a town?  That is how my life feels. Like I am just stuck in the thick of a permeating never ceasing fog. Truth be told "the fog" is just symbolic for how I have been mentally feeling for a very long time - yet we do all the programmed socially accepted forms of fake happiness to make others feel comfortable as to not intrude your issues within their life.

Confession:  I have been on my own since I left my parents house at 17 years old to attend college.  As a younger woman, I bought into the idea that we are supposed to go away to college become educated, meet your husband, have a successful career and have children.  Well life just did not work out that way for me.

Went to college - check.
Had a successful career - check.
Had a child - check.

((Never met that husband, tho!))

Don't know what happened or why it happened but somewhere along my travels I miss the marriage boat.  (Not counting myself out in the future - just speaking of past and present).  I look back and yes, I can say I am grateful that I did not marry some of the men I have dated even received marriage proposals from, yet that still does not remove the question in my mind regarding - Did I miss something or someone along the way? I went through the typical stages of girl/womanhood. Naivety, Promiscuity, Self-Awareness, Independence, Religiosity, Spirituality, Consciousness and lastly Contentment.  Anyone who disagrees with these stages are either stuck at one level or have not graduated to the next in my opinion.  One thing leads to another if you are really honest about self-reflection and self-improvement.

Through all of these stages, it has always been a lonely walk ((The Fog)).  I have never truly been apart or totally accepted within a relationship or around others (family/friends).  It has always been that unsettling feeling of loneliness that I have had all my life.  We are told and duped into believing that when you meet your life partner that the "loneliness" leaves.  That maybe so...since I have not encountered my life partner I can not comment on the validity of that belief.  What I do know is as a single, 42 year old woman, my loneliness is super duper LOUD in my life right now.  People assume lonely to mean you are depressed and hopeless or even to mean that loneliness is only indicative of single people.  I submit unto you that theory is not true.  I know for a fact that you can be involved within a relationship and still be extremely lonely.  Lonely, for me can be defined in different ways.  It can mean lonely as in singular by yourself - makes me think of an old 60s rock song by Three Dog Night, One. LOL!! (Hey I was born in the early 70s, I know these things -- hahaa)

Lonely, can also be defined as not being understood/accepted.  With this type of lonely you can still be involved with someone and they never understand your train of thought/values and/or what is important to you.  I have been in both definitions at different periods in my life, currently I believe I am experiencing both definitions at the same time.

I am intelligent enough to know that - "my day" will come.  To be thankful that I did not get too deeply ensnared within previous relationships - yet "knowing" and "accepting" are two different things.  I know all about perception and the power of positive thinking.  We are subliminally taught that we are supposed to be long-suffering and patient about the hand we have been dealt.  We are not supposed to complain.  We are supposed to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and wear our "big girl panties" or "big man boxers" if you are male, ha! We are supposed to grab life and ride the ebb of the tide.  No one truly discusses how that tide can beat your ass down.  How the tide can make you so exhausted that all you want to do is just lay down and just cease and desist everything. Not saying you want to die at all, just lay in a spot where all the travails and commitments of life just do an ultimate pause and all you have to do is just lay there and breathe.

Nothing else.

Just.

Breathe.

For women such as myself - to say that you are mentally and physically exhausted is like admitting that you do not believe in the Most High anymore. Blasphemy!  My heavens -- Where is your faith, woman?  Oh ye of little faith?!  Well to that I say - I do not know where my faith is.  You get to a point sometime where you even question your own beliefs.  What do you really believe in?  If you believe so strongly in these values - why have they not manifested themselves within your life.  Why does up seem like down? Why does down seem like a curve? Why does a curve seem like a narrow line? Why does the narrow line seem like a circle?  Funny, you almost feel like you are a two year old sitting in some philosophical class - constantly saying why, why, why?  I was laying in my bed tonight thinking, I said to myself, "Most High, I believe in you -- but do you really believe in me?"

It gets that way sometimes.  I have been doing things on my own for so dog gone long - that to be candid - this shit is old!  After 25 years, Sister is tapped the freak out. I feel like I have no more to give.  I am not a bitter woman about anything - I am just tired.  There is a big big difference.

I need Meredith to throw me a lifeline.  I need to phone a friend.



As humans affection and appreciation are vital to the beings we are.  Affection and appreciation is the water of life.. They both need each other - they are integral parts of the others composition.  Water is what sustains us. Literally.

I am parched! Someone point me to the nearest oasis.

Can a sister can a glass of water?!

For now, I am resigned to this desert called life and I am telling you it is a struggle to keep on keeping on.


Signed,

Diary of a Tired Black Woman.