Reaching within...

A Mother's love...

2012-01-27T15:24:00.001-05:00

No matter the age sometimes a person can feel so unfulfilled without a mother's love. The pain of losing a mother is one of the strongest hurts a person can ever feel. Sometimes you push the pain away and don't immediately grieve, it may take months or even years for you to truly even weep that hard loss.

A mother's love is significant because if we look at the example of Mary in the Bible in how God used her as a conduit as the vessel to bring the life of Jesus into this world; How in panic Mary was when she realized that Jesus was not with her and Joseph as they traveled back to Nazareth and how she wept at the sight of her son on the cross. Mary knew that God had entrusted in her the safety, care and instruction of Jesus's life.

As a child when part of this pact is not completed the child at question emotionally, mentally, and spiritually suffers. This is why God gives Biblical instruction to parents in Proverbs 22: 6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, And even when he is old he will not depart from it."

At times there are extenuating circumstances that can not be controlled such as health issues with a parent and/or random death. In cases such as these it is my belief that God steps in and allows the Holy spirit to be a comforter and he provides a variety of people or maybe even one person to stand in the gap for the mother that is absent.

My mom has been heavy on my mind heavy this week, possibly because next week will be her 61st birthday and I miss her dearly, but in the midst God has provided me sooooo many women and friends that have stepped in and stepped up to help me evolve to where I am.

I know that my commitment to Christ would NOT be as strong if my mom were alive because my mother's faith would be my faith out of default. I'd like to to reassure all who have lost a mother or a parent in general to know that it is ok to feel down and work through those moments. Just don't stay there! Remember God knows his plan even when you don't. The days you want to quit, the days you want to give up, the days the pain is so bad you can't even utter a grunt! God KNOWS!

And if you have children, treasure every moment, I know I sure do. I post a lot of pictures of Dynzcil on my page because he is my joy! He is my Samuel and I am his Hannah! I love my boy so much and I am going to cross the earth to make sure he is provided for the best thing I ever did for him was have him dedicated to Christ at 3months old. He is NOT spoiled by far but Dynzcil has more joy and laughter in his one pinkie than most adults have in their whole body and I am so grateful.

Remember what I told you about the Fullness of time...well again in God's time we all will come into understanding of the things that trouble us so deeply but don't belabor on those issues, don't give the devil and opportunity to take control of your mental state of being.

Get the rest you need and then start a new. Keep pressing on, keep smiling and keep loving.

The Fullness of Time...

2012-01-27T14:37:00.001-05:00

The Fullness of Time

I am the type of person that LOVES to celebrate the success and blessings of other people. I have watched my brother Chef Keith Rhodes from the age of 14 talk about how he wanted to own his own restaurant in the words of Chris Brown "Look at him now" owning two restaurants Catch Restaurant and Phun Seafood Bar, two food trucks an appearance on Top Chef and some work for Food Network.

I have watched my sister in law Angela Rhodes evolve into a woman of superb business acumen, organization and peace.

I have watched my best friend Lenita Henderson go to INDEPENDENT OVER COMER, owning her own home, car and a career promotion all whilst wrestling the tassels of being a single mother.

I have watched my sister in Christ Leanna Mulcare go to owner of an online jewelry boutique All Diva Things and senior programmer with Cisco.

I have watched my other sister in Christ Dana Williams go to a real certified MINISTER! ~~Real deal Holyfield.

I have watched my cousin Robert Tate go to a College Football Champion Coach!

I have watched my cousin Melissa Haithcox-Dennis to become Dr. Melissa Haithcox-Dennis.
I have watched my friend Eric Thomas aka E T The Hip Hop Preacher go from Youth Week of prayer speaker and College Student to Motivational Speaker, Author and soon to be Dr. Eric Thomas. Speaking to those who "Have the Power", so to speak.

When you learn to celebrate others in your life GENUINELY and not COVETOUS/ENVIOUSLY and truly rejoice in their comeuppance as passionate as they are about their blessing. You too will be blessed in YOUR TIME.

God speaks of the fullness of time. The fullness of time is not about seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or years. It is about the time when he deems that you have been proofed, tried and tested and now ready to be elevated to the next level. The people I listed above are just a few of those around me that I share as examples that have had their share of rainy, snowy, cloudy and downright dismal dark days. But all of them serve a RISEN Jesus and he KNOWS when it is right to say Keith, Angela, Lenita, Leanna, Dana, Robert, Melissa, Eric come on down and step into the destiny I have designed for you...but don't get content because I have more in store for you because there will be new trials that will be greater than before to excel you to even higher heights. Man's reward and accomplishments may be fame & fortune but Gods reward is about salvation and all of these people are ministering in their own way to the group they have been called to work through and for. So the next time you start whining about "when Lord and why Lord"

... Remember THE FULLNESS OF TIME!

I'm Not NATURAL, I'm Relaxer-Free

2011-03-13T00:08:00.005-05:00

I have been watching many YouTube videos and I have come to determine that I am not Natural I am just Relaxer-free.

Why do you I say this you ask?

Well, I color my hair, the products I use are NOT homemade and/or purchased from an "All Natural" seller/creator.

The food I eat is not vegan/vegetarian.

The clothing I wear is not hemp or 100% cotton.

The products I use interms of makeup and skin care are not all Natural either.

AND I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH MY DECISION.

I honestly feel that some women within the "Natural" Community are what I deem to be Natural Nazis! What I mean is, if you are not using non-sulfate, non-silicone, pure this and pure that then obviously that is the reason why I am not achieving the"success" or "results" that I am seeking. Sometimes I feel that some do not respect others walk in Relaxer/Chemical-free hair care. They want to verbally force/attack you because you opt not to adapt the routine they are using for their hair.

Just because you and I may have similar hair texture/type now by default I am supposed to use the same products? Break the bank ordering a gazillion different items for my hair and thus developing into some product junkie searching for the holy grail of hair products?

All the while do you put the same effort into the items that you eat??

Are you supporting your local and organic community within your area with the items you ingest and wear? Or are you only concerned about using Natural Products JUST for your hair?

NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

Things you ingest also affect the texture of your hair and condition of your scalp/skin.

What about environment? Do you recognize that just because you may be a Type (fill in the blank on your hair type or texture) hair living in New York, Florida, California or Oregon that does not mean the same products will affect and effect my type 3B hair on the North Carolina coast or Las Vegas or Tennessee.

My hair has different needs than yours depending upon the area you live in.

What about cost? I don't know about others but as much as my heart may want to support many of the Natural products and lines, I just can not do it! Many of us are either unemployed, damn near close to being unemployed, or living pay check to pay check. Some develop a "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality in terms of constantly purchasing hair products all the while never giving the previous product they purchased enough time to penetrate their hair to see if it will effectively work.

And Lastly I am not a freaking beautician! If I wanted to go to beauty school to learn about all the dog gone products within certain items and how they do what they do -- I would have trotted my big butt right on there. BUT I DIDN'T

So don't come at me with I need not use "cone's", sulfate, ethyl alcohol or whatever...all things are not bad -- just as all things are not good.

I am for balance in all you do.

Being too extreme in anything can polarize others and make it difficult for some to accept or relate to your decision. Whether you say you care or not, most people do care what other's think and don't be so aggressive in your "suggesting" or "advice" to others in regards to personal choices.

I decided to write this post after reading a variety of comments of various YouTube channels. There are some women who are rude and straight nasty in their delivery when speaking to people in terms of their YouTube videos and what products they use or don't use. They get into comment wars going back and forth with one another opposed to respecting another's choices and realizing that maybe you are not in a position to afford that $45 hair butter or $38 Hair Lotion, oh and I'd like to add that is without tax and shipping/handling!!!

I really needed to vent my thoughts and through a line out there and see if there were others even if it were just one who felt the same way I have been feeling. I don't need an explanation or excuse why people do what they do but I do want people to please just stop being "Hair Bullies and Natural Nazi's"

If you are offended by my post then deal with it -- maybe you are one of the ones who are inflicting discomfort on the rest of us.

Thank you in advance,

TarheelPhilly (Twitter)

TarheelPhilly (Tumblr)

P.S. Those who know me and their are several in this community who do know me -- know me not to be a negative person at all -- however when something really irks me, I chose to go ahead and speak on it, be done and move on.

Wanted

2011-02-22T00:19:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with a new acquaintance and in our discussion I revealed that I had never been in-love. I know it is shocker, but for me I really had to really just be honest. I have had heightened emotions of like and concern but real love, no.

I think honestly if we sit and think about the times we say we were so in love with (fill in the blank), if you are honest with yourself you really were not in-love. You were captivated and infatuated with the aura and feelings associated with the relationship you were having at that moment.

I have come to realize I really desire to be in-love. I don't think it is weak or sad it's just a fact. I desire to be in a healthy, fun, mutually respected, deeply involved, loving relationship with a man that I can call my best-friend, lover and subsequent husband.

Ye this is one of those post but not one of THOSE post.

I am not some bitter woman recanting things of yore, I am however thinking of now and the future.

I am not imaginative or day dreaming on some black knight to come sweep me away. I enjoy my life and I know as time goes on it is going to do nothing but get better. I am patient, but that does not decrease my desire to have that special person in my life and sometimes it takes you having certain conversations for you to be able to acknowledge this fact without appearing whiny or envious.

My brother has been married 21 years and one of my other best friends has been married at least 8 years. Both of these couples are in their 30s and their mates are truly their closest friends. I have definitely been witness to some of their ups and downs and how they weathered through it all. My sister Leanna(really one of my best friends but the girl has been knowing me so long she might as well be my biological sister, LOL) and her husband Myron has taught me so much in terms of relationship dynamics -- shoot I still remember when they were dating! Interesting her husband Myron, is truly my brother -- he will knock you men out over me -- just giving you forewarning, LOL! The relevance in this when you have excellent examples of relationships that are built towards working marriages it gives you a model to look towards.

I believe it is ok to put out in the universe what your hearts desire is. I believe if it is pure and it is within Gods will that it will come into fruition. I also have a true desire to have a relationship with someone for once that is not Fedex overnight express -- meaning one week we're dating and the next week we are attached at the hip. I think in todays microwave society, it is socially accepted for you to connect with people faster that you can digest a meal. I will say because of all the technology associated with communication it does cut down on the amount of dating time that once was, because now you can stay in constant communication and learn each other much quicker that the past. However nothing can replace experiences, events and memories built together. Those are some of the foundations that relationships are built on -- those are the moments that when you are having challenging days you can reflect on things you have done together -- opposed to just texting, tweeting, calling one another or having sex.

Today you have more people building relationships solely or bedroom dynamics opposed to anything of substance. If there are 24 hours a day and you spend on average an hour in the bed together -- the remainder of the day you STILL have to have a strong method of communication. The problem is people spend NO time together and only come together with the intent of sleeping together and they are unable to have a healthy, balanced, common sense discussion with each other. When they finally really get to talking they realize they really don't like each other and they're only staying involved because of the sex. That has got to be a miserable eye-opener.

I am at an age in my life that I desire a relationship. I am not that woman that is going to be yelling you complete me or some mess.

I just want something that would allow me an opportunity to smile just a little more than I have been. So with that said, don't take this as some wimpy ass post about long lost love and crap because trust it is not -- I am definitely not reminiscing... I am just expressing a desire and I know my God will grant it in his time.

Ciao'

Your video of the week:
Wanna Be Loved - Jill Scott
The Real Thing: Words and Sounds, Vol. 3

Happy Valentines Day

2011-02-14T16:23:00.002-05:00

To be young, gifted and black....

2011-02-12T04:24:00.003-05:00

On Monday, Feb 7th was my 38th birthday, I pause and allow you that moment to say

Happy Birthday, Fawn

#pause

LOL!!, Ok thank you, thank you very much. I bow in appreciation. I have mentioned before that I honestly never thought I would make it beyond my 34th birthday. Why do I say such a morbid statement? Well my mother passed at the young age of 34 from a brain aneurysm so I guess I just always felt that I would share the same fate. Amazing the foolish things we embed into our brains. Well I can honestly say I really didn't start living UNTIL 34!

At 34, I had my first child and for the past 3 years my life has been definitely a been love roller coaster.

My son has brought me so much joy and blessings within my life. I remember how before he was born, I was just so unhappy and how since he has entered this world not only has he brought "sunshine to my life" but so many others. When I learned I was pregnant I knew immediately what I would name him. As pregnant mom's we bounce all these names around and to be honest even before then. As women you dream of when you have children and pick out certain names; but I am here to tell you when that child gets here a lot of that gets scratched and thrown out the window, because as soon as you see your child's face -- you automatically know -- yes this is what your name will be.

I chose to name my son Dynzcil Benjamin Rhodes-Davis and before you incorrectly say his name let me help you, it sounds like PENCIL with a D. Now say it and look at it, as you can see and hear the pronunciation. People want to call my son DENZEL but he was not named after Mr. Denzel Washington, the honorable man he is, he was named after a more deserving man and that is my brother Keith. Dynzcil is my brother's middle name and he was named after my mother's favorite Uncle. Like my mother I chose to name my son's middle name after my favorite Uncle Carl Benjamin, Uncle Benny to me. My son has such a dynamic personality and he just draws people in even at three years old! I will not lie it his hard reeling him in sometimes but a child will be a child so I tend to let him have some leeway.

I look at Dynnie and he teaches me how to be free, how to be accepting, how to be loving, how to be patient, how to be limitless, how to smile, how to laugh. He also teaches me that life without structure will be chaos and we need discipline to keep us focused. He teaches me to follow through. He teaches me to be committed to whatever task or whatever I say. He teaches me possibilities and perseverance. Needless to say that it appears that he is teaching me more than I am teaching him. Who would've known that a year and 3 months after my son was born that Barack Hussein Obama II would be elected our first African American President. Whatever your political alliances are, it really does not matter for it will never ever take a way from this moment in history.

Our President is the embodiment of our ability to overcome what challenges lay before you and the manifestation of our forefathers dreams. When I look at the blessing that my son is to me and I look at the present, of who our President is. I see his past and my son's future all at once. For this to be February the so-called month of Love and Black History month -- the two tie in together just because of my love for my son and the historical relevance of our President both of them are young, gifted and black!

My son brings out the woman of excellence within me! He makes me walk tall, stand proud, and stare at the world and say "I am an overcomer!!" Sometimes I sit and think about of all I have gone through and how my God has been with me all the way. I am a survivor y'all and I am not ashamed to admit it. I am a survivor of verbal abuse, physical abuse, my own personal mental torments, economic challenges, health challenges, and just the ebb and flow of life. I walk into my future knowing that I am anointed for whatever call of duty that God has for me. I stand in my truth and force you to accept yours. Gone are the days of doubting who I am or where I am going. There is a peace in just accepting your role in life and the direction it is going.

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD’s Favor

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]

² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called mighty oaks,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

I am going to leave you with two video versions of young, gifted and black. Now I love my Nina Simone & Donny Hathway versions but since our Queen of Soul is facing health issues right now and in need of our prayers I selected Aretha Franklin. The other version is just a fun version by Don Baron that I remember hearing in the 80's

But wait there's more.....LOL! Here's what I'll do for ya! I"ll link the other's just in case you want to hear those instead.

I know, I know how nice of me :-)

Have a wonderful Valentines Day and Kiss & Hug somebody!

I'm going to be kissing Dynnie!

Young Gift and Black

Identity Theft...

2011-01-26T01:39:00.002-05:00

...aka things I have learned while being single

So far this week has started off in such a climatic way that it even boggles me! That however is not what I am going to be focusing on.

So I'm a people observer and I pay close attention to not just what people say but what people do not say in their words and actions.

I have noticed through the years how so often how our married brothers and sisters completely lose their sense of self within their spouse and marriage. I mainly attribute this to the fact that these same married people had no sense of self before they got married.

People find out who you are -- revel in it!

When I was a teenager I had such an identity crisis -- hell, some of that rolled right on over into adulthood. I was that lightskin girl with that "Good hair" who folks was always trying to pigeon hole me as "bougie", "wealthy", "stuck up", "trophy girlfriend" and all that BS!! I laugh and shake my head as I type this because funny how people love to throw labels and assumptions!

I entered college and tried to fit in by joining certain college groups, becoming sexually promiscuous thinking that would gain me an "in", getting "saved"and becoming religious, becoming that "conscious" sister -- I promise you when I look at Common's video " I used to love H.E.R - I swore he could have been singing about me and my evolution even though he was talking about the evolution of rap.

I really was a lost soul.

It is funny to me now when I look back on it - but Lordy I just knew I had cornered the market on knowledge in each phase I was in. As an older single woman NEVER been married I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to go through these evolutions without that additional person in my life because good googly moogly I can not even begin to think how much more confused I may be or how much longer it would have taken me to "FIND" me so to speak. I have learned as a single person not to place my identity within anything or anyone.

When I reference anything that is inclusive of faith, career, education, activities, wealth or etc.

None of these things define you!

None of it! Trust me!

I have a strong faith in God and you may or may not be able to tell from my blog that I am really a spiritual woman -- I like to shoot the breeze. I do occasionally curse, listen to "secular" music, laugh at inappropriate foolishness and all in all have a joyful life. Just because another may listen to Marvin Sapp + Mahalia Jackson and Yolanda Adams don't curse and virtually live at their place of worship does NOT make them any closer to salvation than a person who does the exact opposite.

When I reference anyone that is inclusive of my child, my family, my friends and those I socialize with.

Many people single/married a like lose themselves within their children, partners, spouses, other family members or friends lives. They spend so much time correcting, advising, gossiping, and involving themselves in others lives that when you ask them about who they are -- they couldn't tell you one sentence about who they are.

The common thread of most of my blogs is finding a sense of self! People seriously learn who you are - don't let others lack of identity make you feel subordinate or ashamed.

Because truth be told they are envious of certain aspects within your own life or lack thereof in their life. I had someone say to me several nights ago "it must suck to be an almost 40 single woman never married". They think I didn't hear the comment because I rolled right on and didn't even feel the desire to check them on their statement. However, in that person's statement their was envy, their was insecurity, their was anger, their was fear. What they were really saying was "it sucks for ME to be an almost 40 year old male who is single never married". Funny how people take their emotions and want to thrust them on you.

Are there things I want and am in the process of changing regarding my life? Yes. No I have not have not had my Mecca moment - but I really, really like who I am. Makes me laugh to even say it, cause I feel like an old Saturday Night Live skit

The thing that troubles me most honestly is just stability in finances for me -- but questioning the content of my character - No way, Jose'. My best friend and I were speaking today and she too concurred my sentiments - by the way shout out to the best friend in my world Lenita L. Henderson, that girl knows she can make me cry at the drop of a dime!

The whole point of today's blog is, singles loving yourself means learning your self; the good, the bad and the ugly. When and if you get married it will make one less issue you and your mate will have to add to the dynamics of disagreements you will have. In this age of identity theft in terms of credit -- you should protect and know who YOU are just as good if not better than your credit.

And if you are married, if you have become lost and or having issues within your marriage that you all are NOT discussing -- maybe the issues start with YOU. Maybe you need to find some way to travel back to your center or even begin the discovery of your center. Don't wait ...because time as we know waits for NO ONE.

So no it does not suck being close to 40, single and never married - it just means my priorities are in other places and my happiness is not contingent upon another person or thing.

Our video of the week is Didn'cha Know: Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun

Walk not run....

2011-01-17T19:43:00.001-05:00

So last week was definitely a change for my local community. We received snow and of course like most southern cities it shut ours down for 3 WHOLE days! The third day wasn't even needed truth be told. So that meant I did not get back to work until Thursday, which was alright with me since Friday I was off anyhow. While out on my unexpected Winter wonderland break, it allowed me some time to catch up on the blogs, I like to read and listen to. I like to listen to radio podcast and blog talk radio I confess, it makes me feel like I am listening to talk radio/NPR which is one of my favorite type of radio programming. I have enough music of my own so I don't need to spend my time in transit listening to some foolish radio personality and his buffoon team play music that I would never buy!

Many of the topics as of late were all relationship oriented don't know if that is always a common thread but never the less that is what they were discussing. It amazes me the volume of people in this world who are constantly blaming their lives on (insert person or excuse here). I believe that an adult person needs to take accountability and responsibility for the current life that you have. Nothing and I mean nothing happens by chance or just because. Some where along the way we have participated in certain decisions that have led us to the current circumstance that we are in. Whether it is being unemployed, a bad relationship, bad communication with family members, not financially stable, weak spirituality or whatever it is -- we partially are responsible for where we are right at this moment.

We must begin to stop blaming the white man, the black man, the black woman, the white woman, momma/daddy or lack thereof, being poor, uneducated or whatever your crutch is.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see a grown adult. SO START FROM THERE!

Leave all the nonsense behind and alone. Stop accusing/blaming others. I listen to one blog talk radio and I promise you it sounded like the re-enactment of the Sister Circle from the Jungle Fever movie where Lonnette Mckee was talking about how the black man is (feel free to fill in the blank with ANY HOST of negativity). In my mind I was like seriously?? Seriously this is where we still are?? I am so sick of black women blaming the black man for every single freaking thing! I mean these women to me were so trivial as to say because it rains its the black mans fault! On the flip side I am tired of hearing many black men do the same....

People get a grip, all people of all ethnicities have issues. Just because you are not privy to them doesn't mean they are not there. People need to learn to execute common sense, good judgement, and logic and stop being sucked in by mislead wounded people spewing their own propaganda. And don't give me that "Common sense isn't so common" excuse. We all have a conscience, we hear those whispers telling us when we should leave something alone or not do xyz however you push forward ignoring your truth.

Now you're to quote my daddy (Lord knows he had a way of words) "Sliding down a razor blade into an alcohol river" OUCH! Sounds painful right?! That is exactly what you're doing -- when you continue to execute poor judgement in all areas of your life. Whether it is mentally/emotionally, physically, spiritually, on your job or in the variety of relationships that we have with people every day.

People race through life ignoring the obvious and don't take the needed time to let things evolve and play out. We jump in and out of relationships like you are changing your jeans! Shoot you might wear or have a pair of jeans longer than the person you were last involved with! You do not give yourself the needed to time to really get to know someone before you are full throttle engulfed into their lives and this is not limited to sex. I mean you have your hands in their family life, business life, social life even in their spiritual life.

To that I say SLOW YOUR ROLL KEMO SABE!

Take a step back -- no don't just take a step back take a whole staircase of steps back! How are you fixing someone else's life and your's is in crumbles? Many of you know of the trials I have experienced throughout 2010 and I am still on that road to wellness that I spoke of a couple months ago. People sometimes assume because you are no long speaking of something -- means you are no longer continuing it -- that is not so. Some of you need to take some relationship breaks and that is inclusive of the married that read my blog. For the married that means you need to remove yourself from those that are too heavily involved in your marriage and you need to stop doing so much work outside of the home and start working inside of your own home. The old saying says "Charity starts at home".

For the singles like me -- begin to learn yourself. Learn what it is that you love about your self and the things that you sincerely need to correct and improve and stay the hell out of other peoples relationships!

I promise you there are some seriously meddlesome people in this world male/female a like. We don't need to read all these self-help magazines, books, DVDs and etc for you to know that you're on the slippery slope to hell!

Just wake up and stop running!

Begin a stroll, a leisurely walk. Take your time, start paying attention to the details, start really listening and tuning in and respond accordingly. Stop second guessing your judgement and allowing others to make decisions for you and your home. Take back the control for the direction you want to go, stop being so passive-aggressive in life and I honestly guarantee you that 2011 will be better than years past.

The video of the week is from one of my truly truly favorite R&B singers Rahsaan Patterson!

Don't Run So Fast - Rahsaan Patterson: After Hours Album

Open Vessels...are you available??

2011-01-08T18:45:00.001-05:00

So I started my new job on Monday, I reported to work just like the good little worker bee. Early & eager to do the task set before me and then...

I find out that my director has decided to change my position and eliminate the role of Executive Assistant. So I am like, OK! As long as I get paid and still got a job - I don't care!!

Ya'll I think God is the original stand-up comedienne because the way he works is straight hilarious!

So my new position is...Technology/Computer Coordinator for the club, LOL! I laugh because those who know me and know my resume knows this is all me up, down and sideways! Did I not just write on my last blog about serving and educating??? So I am now responsible for the computer lab, all computers in the center and providing programming for the kids. My kids are aged 5-12, so ya'll know -- I am in for it!

The transition was smooth of course since I already have that background, let me tell you -- them kids hate me something AWFUL! I wish you could hear me laughing, it tickles me sooooo! Well there was absolutely NO structure in the computer lab and being the child of an educator you know the first thing I did was get in there plop some rules down quick fast and in a hurry!
The rules are(more may come later)

Students must ask if they may use a computer
Students must sign in the computer log to what computer they will be using.
Students may only use the computer for 30 minutes for non-homework related time.
Students may NOT go to Facebook, Myspace, YouTube, Twitter, BBgames, Miniclip, FreeRealm or any gaming website with the ability to chat.
Students must properly close, log off the computer and place their chair back at their desks when done.

I am not having Chris Hansen of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" showing up at my Boys & Girls club!! hummph!

Those kids were sucking their teeth, rolling their little eyes, moaning, groaning and sending virtual killer arrows at me when I went over the rules. You should have heard them yelling and fussing, LOL!!! Several of them even decided to play the age old game of "press your luck"on me and ended up losing computer privileges the whole day and as I told one little Miss Growny (all of 4ft nothing and attitude bigger than Aretha Franklin and RuPaul combined) "Keep it up and you won't use the computer at all this week, this month OR for the rest of the year. "NOW RUN TELL THAT" ahhahaa I really said run & tell that and was about to break out into the Antoine Dodson song, LMBO! That child stomped away from me -- like I stole her whole life away!

Now I was raised in one of those hard-core southern families, so being mean to children is like breathing, hahaha! I say that in humor, but I am a strict parent, will sting my 3-years old behind or hand in my sleep! Think I am playing, watch my smoke and I will dare ANYBODY to call DSS/CPS on me! He came out my womb he's gonna do what I say! So anyhow, my week with the kids was too fun for me.

On a side note, I realized how out of shape I am in! Sitting home for 1 year and half does nothing for a woman's figure but make her look like a sack of potatoes! I have elected to start the butt-kicking Master Cleanse on Monday, January 10, 2011. I am going to attempt to do it for 10-days by the will of God and go right into the Daniel Fast. Not only do I want to strengthen my spiritual life but I believe both of these will help me be more focused with my weight-loss and mentally condition me for the journey ahead with my kiddies! I came home from church today and made some lamb meatballs with spicy eggplant tomato sauce and jasmine rice.

Here's the recipe if you want it Lamb meatball recipe

You say what is bad about that...well I am a carb-holic and I gotta get all of these carbs up and out of my home. I have Wasabi Peas, Wheat Thin Garden Vegetable chips(taste like delicious crackers), Kosher Dill Kettle potato chips, Bordeaux Pepperidge Farm Cookies, Potato Bread and more...I am going to have to give this stuff to my neighbor!!

The Lord just keeps on blessing me!! So last week when I called my rental office to find out what the credit had been made to my rental account she told me it was $375 and then a member in my church gave me a brand-new microwave for Christmas and brought it to church today! I am so thankful! I just sat in church today and cried. There is no feeling in this world -- like knowing God really has his hands on your life. If we would only -- just only yield so he can manifest your life in his way! God only wants to use the talents/gifts he has blessed you with to make a difference not only in others life but YOURS also. He wants you to feel complete and content with the ability to serve, educate and perform whatever task he sets before you without hesitation and with confidence in knowing that it will be accomplished, SUCCESSFULLY! For you to fill gratification in whatever you do -- and not feel lacking or that you have failed the task. At the risk of sounding cliché "God really does love us. He really really does!"

It really took me a while to learn this -- seriously. When the choir sung, "Lord I am available to you" today I finally understood the true meaning of the words "my storage is empty and I am available to you". I have finally really let myself be free to let God use me and it is such a peace and joy that comes from just letting go. When you cry -- you no longer cry from sadness. You cry from depth, meaning, purpose and plain old joy!

God is using me at this club with those kids and although next Sat, I may come back and say I want to drop a bomb on the club -- I will not quit and I will still do exactly what he has instructed me to do!!

Pray for me as I start this cleanse! I really am ready for this it - in order for God to supply me with good oil he must have a clean vessel to put it within.

Ciao' Bella!

Take a look at my video of the week. It spotlights what our youth can do if only we take the time to educate them and raise them in the way the God has instructed.

Lord I'm Available To You

No more Comfort Zone

2011-01-01T16:51:00.004-05:00

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life". - Charles Dederich

By the end of the month today will be a blur to most, who am I kidding by the end of the week, it'll be a blur(smile). However, if you get some time alone -- think about where you are right now and where you are going. I know many people have written/videoed all these deep inspirational thoughts/sayings for you, so I guess I'll throw mine right in there with the bunch.

As you already know the end of 2010 was such an overwhelming blessing for me. The job that I so passionately wanted, I was finally hired on. My Director called me to wish me a Happy New Year, stated he is looking forward to working together in 2011 and emailed me my hours which are so perfect for me. I so look forward to Monday!!

Anyway I wanted to just say just because it is a new year does not mean challenges and adversity have remained behind in 2010, but what can be left behind in 2010 is how you think/face those issues. Everyday we rise we will not have the most positive way of thinking or feel wonderful - but it is in these days that we have to try even harder to not allow ourselves to become anxious and unfocused on our goals.

For me I got so caught up in continuously seeing what I was not and where I was not, that it was having serious effects on me mentally, physically and spiritually. Mentally, I felt so beaten and so overwhelmed. Physically, I gained weight and on medication. Spiritually, I was completely off-track! I kept measuring my happiness and success by what was occurring in others lives. I really became blinded so much so that I was completely frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. I was angry - and I mean real angry. Angry, I did not have a job, angry that I had gained weight (funny the foolishness you get mad at God for -- he didn't make me eat that food), angry I did not have a man in my life(when you are 30+ do you still call men boyfriends, LOL), angry I was not getting the grades I hoped for, just a big ol ball of anger. It took my friend TNK to call me out one day -- and boy did they put me in check! I was so mad at TNK I could have done something evil like work a root if I knew how, LOL!! Funny, TNK knew I was madder than a viper but didn't care. That brings me to another point, We all have to have that person or person's in your life who words will cut you like a knife even if it is to save your life! People's whose honesty is raw and unadulterated. Now this just can not be just anyone but God knows the special person/people who you will be able to receive the truth from and not reach over there and strangle them when they are done. Know this when they say something, you're gonna be highly pissed off when they are done but it is what it is -- sometimes we all need a kick in the tushy!

THANK YOU TNK!!

Today is a new day - usually I would be in Church - but I opted to stay home today.

I thought about how God truly blessed me in 2010 and has been carrying me for so long. Some don't subscribe to a belief in a higher being or they like to reference it as the "Universe". I just can not do that -- my spirit complete rejects that philosophy, I know for a fact that as the elders sing "If it had not been for the Lord, I don't know where I would be" I can truly relate.

I thought about what is my intention for writing this blog. Initially it was just an outlet for me an online journal so to speak - however it has truly challenged me to be transparent with myself and those who read my writings. I have let that anger go and decided to really just let myself be me and just be free of all nonsense. I believe we are all here to ultimately do two things and they are summed into two tasks: To Serve and To Educate. I have always found myself in careers that have done both of these and I have also found that jobs that allow me to serve and educate allow me to be at my happiest and my very best.

My new job definitely allows me serve and educate, THANK YOU GOD!

Serving and Educating are the cornerstones that I was raised on. Mostly everyone in my family share these two characteristics and oddly enough their lives also evolve around executing these same beliefs. I believe in letting my life be of service to assist, guide, and help in some way or another while educating you.

So as I move into 2011, I promise to serve and educate you in some way. I am coming out of my comfort zone and will no longer remain complacent with the way things have been. I will make a concerted effort to change something each and everyday so as to push me further towards my goals. Hopefully, my writings will prompt change in your life as I am changing things in mine.

Have a Happy New year looking forward to what is to come.

Comfort Zone - Marvin Sapp: Here I Am Album

Christmas Miracles...

2010-12-27T00:11:00.003-05:00

So 2010 has been the most challenging year of all my adult life. If it were not for God, I honestly have no idea how my son and I would have survived. This year has tested my faith in ways I cannot even begin to explain. It has taken me to some of my lowest lows; I honestly thought I was crazier than a bat out of hell!

I searched and questioned myself continuously. Cried and prayed and prayed and cried. Being out of work for the past 1 year and half really took jabs at my ego and questioned my ability to support my son. Just when I thought, I saw a ray of sunshine it would begin pouring down rain again.

Through it all the constant factor that remained is my commitment to serving God and loyal to one of the small but trusting requests he makes of us...that is to tithe. I am a faithful tither and I believe in the principal of 10 + 10 = 10% tithes & 10% offering. Now I say this to say, you must do what works for you and yours but as for me and my house ...this is one of my dedications back to God for all he has/does for me. No matter what I have, when I get it or the amount I pay my tithes. This is not a discussion on how much, when, who, why, what, or where you pay -- that is something you must come to terms with in your own way.

All of this leads me to the week of Dec 20-24.

On Sat, Dec 18, 2010 I received in the mail a letter from the local sheriff's office telling me I must immediately leave my apartment by Wed, Dec 22, 2010 1:00pm because I was being evicted from my home. Honestly, I read the letter and laid it down because what could I do at 11pm at night on a Sat???

Sunday passed and Monday I set in on gathering the remaining money I needed to stay in my home, Monday passed.

Tuesday, I continued to remain calm and I received a phone call to come back for a second interview on

Thursday for a position I interviewed for back on Nov 18. (I pause here to say -- on this interview I was with the employer for 3 hours, he checked my references while I was there and seemed very encouraging and that he would be in contact with me. I left feeling very good about the job and hoped I would have a job offer by the end of November -- but nothing came! I called this employer three times after waiting two weeks and sending the professional thank you letter all to find out he hired someone else for the job. I was so disappointed and angry! How do you interview someone for 3 hours, check their references and lead them to believe you would hire them??? Well after venting on Facebook I moved on and just continued my job search.)

Wednesday arrives and I have all my money except $267 -- I owed for Nov & Dec's rent and my apartment community was also requiring that I pay my January's rent in ADVANCE!!! January's rent was not due until Dec 25 and late by Jan 1 and they were requiring me to pay what was owed PLUS Jan rent to keep from being evicted. I went to the rental office and talked with the rental manager and explained there is no way I will have the $267 until Friday (mind you I had already given her $1572.70). She said, Fawn If you do not have the $267 by 5:30pm today we will HAVE to lock you out of your apartment, and to show she was serious -- she let the Sheriffs’ come and post the note on my door of the eviction and change my locks!! 5:30 arrives and sure enough -- I had to gather a suitcase full of clothes and Dynzcil and I were locked out! My uncle came by about 7pm and gave me $100; I took that to the rental office so as of Wed, Dec 22, 2010 I had paid my rental office $1672.70 and only owed a balance of $167. I called the rental office and she still would NOT let Dynzcil and I back in our home. I stayed calm and just said a prayer to God and said "Lord, your will be done." <~ This was odd behavior for me -- because I would have been a weeping willow but I was at peace with everything that was happening.

Thursday 3:30, I leave my brother's home to go to my 4:00pm interview. I arrive at 3:45 and the director is not there yet. So one of his staff asks me to draft a document for him by this time the director arrives and asks me to create a power point presentation (thank God I took the CIS 110 class this semester), he has me in his office for 4 hours!!!! While I am there my phone is blowing up from my sister-in law and my brother telling me to call my rental office and then the rental office begins to call!! NON-STOP! I finally had to turn my phone off because I was resolved I am staying in this man's office until he tells me I have the job! I briefly call my rental office and they ask me to come to the office A.S.A.P Well by the time I leave the directors office at 7:50pm he not only tells me Merry Christmas you have the job but he also gives my 3 year old son a brand new bike!!!

I immediately go to my apartment complex and by the time I get there the rental office manager has called me AGAIN, I explain why it took me so long and she says I have some news for you. I pull over because I have NO idea what she is going to tell me. She says, they are letting me back into my apartment AND that someone donated toys for my son's Christmas, they also had $110 gift card for me to Wal-Mart, $170 worth of grocery gift cards, and someone has made a payment on my rental account so I have a credit balance anywhere from $50 to a whole month's rent but she will not let me know the amount until I drop the $167 off to her and she says just get it into the office by Monday.

Friday, I go to my apartment and my home is packed DEEEEEP full of gifts for my son, plus a huge box of grocery sitting in my kitchen and a big old ham in my refrigerator(I don't even eat pork, LOL!!!!!)

Saturday is Christmas, after opening gifts with Dynnie we got dressed and went straight to church! (Why Sat, my denomination is Seventh-day Adventist) so I attend church on Saturday.

I share this with you all because I know for a fact there is someone else out there at their wits end and on their way to losing hope. I say hold on! I also learned in this process and through this year to just BE! Just exist! Stop trying to figure everything out -- stop thinking I have to be my own Dr.Phil.

Stop trying to fix it! Just Stop! STOP! And Just BE! My cousin Reggie who has the voice and countenance of God, I might add, LOL!! Had to remind me of the following verses

Matthew 6: 25-34 TNIV

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God is not a liar and as the seniors say he may not come when you want him, but he is always right on time. I can honestly tell you he has proven the above verse to me more than once in 2010.

It is so hard not to worry but there comes a time when you just put that worry down because you are honestly tired of carrying it and that is exactly when the Lord steps in and answers your prayers in the way he feels best.

Be encouraged in 2011 to know if things have not begun to change for you -- you are a part of the process and your accountability is just to relax and just BE! Now that does not mean stop making efforts of improvement; but don't stress over what you cannot change. Stay focused, challenge yourself daily and work effortlessly towards the goals you set for yourself. Remember success is relative – everyone does not have to be the next superstar but being a good wife, mother, teacher, accountant, student, attorney, assistant or whatever your goals are – should be your measurement of success. Stay in line with God’s desire/will for you and press forward. It will not be easy but to seriously worry about things will add no more to accomplishing your task. The next day is going to come whether we want it to or not.

Be blessed everyone! I know I sure am!
"It's All God" - The Soul Seekers: Soul Seekers II

The Road to Wellness...

2010-11-23T14:36:00.003-05:00

Mental health issues can be such a touchy subject for so many people. When you begin to discuss them most of the time you get statements like "We all are going through", "Just pray and put your trust in the Lord", "Somebodies situation is worse than yours", "Girl/Man, get over it ain't nobody trying to hear that" or you get Silence, where people now just Google eye you and think you are now mentally deranged for expressing your wounds. They whisper about you, they try to pat your hand or rub your back like you are going to snap at any moment. They laugh and mock you and throw shade at your situation, as I stated once before any one who does any of this you should run run run as fast as you can.

Be careful and use discernment with whom you confide your innermost to!

YOU and you alone are accountable and responsible for your own mental health. Every one's breaking point is not the same and don't expect the hands across America treatment.

Do not expect empathy from any one ESPECIALLY NOT medical providers, church ministers/counselors, friends and/or family. We live in a apathetic society where people are so caught up with the rat race in their own lives there is no room to even sit and ponder your woes. So in this aspect I will say "don't cry, dry your eyes IN FRONT of them" If you have to be weeping willow, do that in the comfort and quiet of your own home. But whatever you do, I encourage you to seek help. Soul Pain and heart break is a rocky, rocky road to walk. Sometimes we think that we have recovered from certain issues only to mask it with something else. We have short attention spans these days so it is easy to lose focus and transfer it to something else ONLY to finally realize on the day that you need something that it has to be addressed. Likened to you buy a carton of milk open it and leave it in the refrigerator to long and we you go to eat cereal, you quickly realize it is spoiled! Only a fool, would put the milk back in the refrigerator! The person with some sense would throw it out and go purchase another. But how many times can you say you actually unconsciously did the foolish thing and sat that milk BACK in the refrigerator?? It hasn't happened often, but it has happened. This is what we do with Soul Pain and Heart Break. Let me also say heart break does not have to come from an intimate lover. Heart break can most definitely come from a parent, relative, a child, and yes to the obvious spouse, significant other or partner. I came to realize that my cracks began with my mom, the next cracks were my grandparents, next was my father and my auntie. Sometimes things are just a slow burn into there is nothing left.

Last night (well this morning, had a case of insomnia) I did something I have been wanting to do for a long time, I wrote my ex-fiancé a letter sharing with him some things that I needed to get off my chest, if you are wondering NO he didn't call the wedding off, I did!

Sometimes, you have to make hard choices in your life and those hard choices constitute doing things that are going to set you up to be a happier person for you and those around you PERMANENTLY than -- just for someone TEMPORARILY. I have shared once before that I am a single mom to a three-year old young man. Becoming healthy is not an option for me it is a must! I am obligated to guide my son and be the first example of love, joy and integrity and character for this young man.

I must teach him coping skills, how to balance and maneuver through life, how to breathe in the midst of the stench, how to wade through the muck, how to climb the rockiest mountains, to scale the highest trees and how to float in rough and high tides! Character is not something that can be bought or taught it is something embedded deep with in and obtained as we charter the course of life. Our character is constantly being tested and growing. I want my son to say my Mom, was the best teacher that I had in this journey of life not because he feels he has too but because he honestly believes it. With him being one of my driving forces, I have opted to due have some soul surgery and let God and his wonderful earthly angels put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I am on my path, I might be slew-footing it but hey I am on that path and each step gets easier as I put one foot in front of the other. Smile for me today if you think of me and know that my rainbow is just beyond that horizon...blessings to you all and have a gloriously fantastic Thanksgiving for we ALL have something to be thankful for I know I do!!

Secrets of the spirit...

2010-11-20T17:09:00.004-05:00

Isn't it amazing the power of the brain to completely block out issues as if they never even occur? Funny how when you sit people watching it seems that people are effortlessly moving through life, then others are struggling just to walk several feet, then their others that are standing so still that you would assume them to be a mime. These particular people "the mimes" have mastered the art of standing still so long they have even fooled you into believing that they are indeed moving, only because their surroundings are in constant transition so they must be moving, right? WRONG?!

I've got a confession to make...I'm a mime! I don't know when I stopped moving but somewhere along life I did. My spirit just stopped. Just like a dead battery that gives you no forewarning that it is losing charge, you just go to use a certain device a remote control, camera, car, watch and just at that moment it stopped working unexpectedly. When you become a mime you become very masterful in masking your emotion, almost like Marcel Marceau. You move with the ebb and flow of life, yet you are still as quiet.

I've got another confession to make...I have a broken spirit. I think we tend to dull our issues down because nobody likes a whiner or complainer. Nobody likes a kill joy or Debbie Downer. Yet the only thing I know is that for my soul to heal is I must say, Hello my name is Fawn, and I have a broken spirit. If I had to pin-point one moment in my life that maybe began the initial crack which progressed to a completely broken soul, I would have to say 1 April, 1984. What happened that day? My mother, passed away of a brain aneurysm at the ripe young age of 34. I believe I have been on Auto-pilot since I have been 11 years old. That is 26 long long years. There were subsequent other things that resulted in a full broken vessel, but all those things are too painful to discuss let alone has any place on a blog.

I like my world quiet, without ruffles. I'm a plain Jane. I like vanilla yogurt. I like plain water. I like white rice. I like a natural look, nothing to colorful. I'm just a no frills kinda girl. Nothing over the top, over stated or dramatic. Keep it simple! I don't venture out in life anymore. I people watch and admire the joy they exude. I don't smile inside any more. I don't laugh outwardly any more, I don't feel life as beautiful any more, I guess I question "did I ever?" My soul aches like old bones needing a good massage. My soul is sore from holding hurt and standing on pause so long, like when you have a fever intially your body is just full of heat but eventually from having such an elevated temperature your body begins to ache from all the heat. The SICK heat. My soul is sick. A person once asked me, "Do we ever really forgive or do we just move on in life -- avoiding the issue(s)?" I believe that to be a personal question we all must answer, for only we know ourselves if you have truly forgiven or if you have avoided issues. We like to sound all Iyanla Vanzant/Dr. Phil'ish" and say yes we have forgiven, yes we are happy, whole and healed.

Truth is every one of us - carries our baggage with us -- and that baggage just waits for the prime opportunity to pop out.

I encourage you all "To thine own self be true" be honest with your self and don't be afraid to admit you are flawed. However, once you admit it, NOW you have to begin the road to wellness so you may have that healthy, happy, whole soul. As I seek to bring balance back into my life after 26 years, I laugh at the irony of how I have a tattoo of a yin and yang symbol on my shoulder. I have always professed to be such a complete and whole person yet, I became so deep in my issues that I began to fool my ownself. No, you don't half to do your self evaluation as I am. However, I earnestly want to do better and be better and with that comes a responsibility to be committed to myself.

How can I fix me when it is me who needs the the fixing?

Fixing oneself, ha! a paradox within itself!

I can not fix me is the answer.

So I reach out and I explore those methods to wholeness that will help me. My faith is one of the items that is helping me, my son is another, good honest and TRUSTING friends is another and lastly a good psychologist! Can I interrupt the regularly scheduled program to tell you how hard it is to have liked living your world in quietness, natural colors and no frills for 23 years all to have a 3 year old who likes LOUD, bright, over the top items? You see my 3 year old LOVES life!

He isn't broken like mommy.

Many are afraid to admit that they need counseling in any form. Many feel others will judge you for going to a counselor and you are right. People WILL judge you, say nasty things to you, make smart remarks, and all sorts of things. Those people are THE ONES you must quickly eliminate from your life, because those people are the ones who are too ashamed to admit they too need counseling on some level or another!!!

Just as a car needs a regular tune-up the human mind needs the same thing. Do you realize people go through this whole life sometimes anywhere between 80-100 years and NEVER get serviced?? Makes you wonder how crazy they really are even if you "THINK" they are sane. During those years, those same people will tell you that they had to find a way to manage/cope through life. Whether that was "leaning on Jesus", or "taking a sip every now and again", there was a method that they used to help with their madness.

I leave you with this India Arie video "Get it together" there are no truer words being sung.

Don't you just love music therapy or what I also call music ministry, because music truly ministers to my soul?!

A blues for Nikkie...i.e ME

2010-10-28T22:52:00.002-04:00

So you're wondering who Nikkie is, well Nikkie is short for Nicole which is my middle name and what my daddy used to call me (shouts out to the Daddy's Girls)...any how...I sometimes feel my alter ego is Nikkie.

Nikkie is the exuberant, jubilant, optimistic "hope springs eternal" side of me that no matter what Fawn goes through, Nikkie always sees the silver lining and can turn the frown upside down.

Well lately, that is just is not the case. I know I am really down in the dirty dumps when me nor my alter ego(you'd think I was schizophrenic the way I am referring to my middle name) can find a way to really sing like a sparrow.

I have always been that person that could inspire, encourage and breathe some sense into people. I pride myself on seeding into people's souls on a regular basis -- but what happens when those same people are not there to help prune and turn the soil in your garden so it can be seeded??? I am not and have not always been that person needing other's approval or inspiring words for what I have going on in my life, BUT I will say when you hit your all time low -- it sure feels good to have people to want to come by and brush the dust off, smile at you, say some calming words or maybe even take you to lunch just because they are concerned.

All I have is

CRICKETS.

If you listen closely, you will hear them chirping

I want...aww shucks I don't know what I want but I know it would help to have someone be my "Brother to the Night" now that I can admit as a woman when you are pushing through your madness and you are single sometimes it sure helps to have your attention diverted from the foolery around you by an intelligent, fantastically smelling, concerned MALE. Your girlfriends are good but at times to know you are adored, appreciated, valued and respected just because you are Gods phenomenal creature called woman by a man, sure is

NICE :)

So, I keep on keeping on and pushing through until I have my breakthrough and try to recapture the loving feeling so Nikkie can share her happiness with the world again.

**reference if you are unfamiliar with The Brother to Night, A Blues for Nina check out the movie Love Jones**

Datz My Mans'em...Kanye West is crazy?

2010-10-24T17:04:00.010-04:00

http://www.vevo.com/watch/kanye-west/runaway-full-length-clean/USUV71002484

So I was on Facebook like 99.99999% of us in the world and a friend of mine posted the new Kanye West video Runaway. Here is the link if you have not seen it yet Runaway (Full-length Clean).

~~"TO ME"~~ there is so much symbolism in this video and so much it is saying. No not that #ish about him being apart of the Illuminati. Truth be told most of you all would not know what the Illuminati was if they were sitting smack dab in your face -- so I digress from that foolery. I really enjoyed the 30+ min documentary...LMBO!!

Only the strong will survive to sit out the duration of the video -- because the weak at heart will fall off after 3 minutes into the video. Many just do not have the brain capacity to process all of what the mini-movie is saying. #imjustsaying

There is so much more than meets the eye. To me this the video is all about selfishness and greed. How we want what we want despite the affect and effect it has on others, our world and even ourselves. I love the irony of how the guest pointed out how beautiful Kanye's girlfriend is yet felt the need to acknowledge she was a bird, all the while their main dinner course were all forms of poultry and foul.

I love the dichotomy of the yard with the fenced in gate with the serene lamb and fawn as if they are vicious and ferocious animals that need to be contained.l however the protection could be from us people; even though they were actually Kanye's pets ergo we must have what is valuable and precious to nature-- there is symbolism in the choice of those two animals . First, a lamb/sheep -- will follow you without objecting/challenging you of where they are being lead. Just like PEOPLE!! Most never question a damn thing and are content being followers opposed to paving your own way in this world. Second, the fawn as beautiful an innocent as it is has deeper meaning, we all have "fawn'ed" over something or someone. In this case Kanye is fawning over the Phoenix that he so desires to keep and display as his personal conquest. She. The Pheonix, also is placed within his personal petting zoo, along with the docile lamb and fawn. The Pheonix (and Selita Ebanks is a gorgeous Pheonix, I might add) tries to tell Kanye that she MUST go back so she can evolve into her destiny and he is telling her NO you can not YOU must stay and be mines -- for no one else has a Pheonix except me, me, me...

Isn't that just like us??? Wanting to keep the unique and smother them at all cost, not allowing them to evolve into their life because of our own selfishness -- there by snuffing out their possibility of greatness.

I love the 1960s cinematography as if I am looking at an old James Bond, Clockwork Orange, Blackxploitation movie. I love the depth of what it is saying and the placement of each song ....I have always appreciated Kanye's mind -- remember the movie "A Beautiful Mind'???

People misunderstand Kanye -- hell who we fooling Kanye misunderstands himself -- however I see glimpses of him attempting to bridge those two together. I can completely relate to this video.

All the great people are highly misunderstood and have some sort of psychosis to be honest!! From Micheal Jackson to R. Kelly; from Willi Smith to Basquait; From Terry McMillian to Octavia Butler; You name someone who has left a mark on this world and even someone in your OWN life that is unknown to this world and this video is speaking directly to it.

I truly hope it wins many awards.

~~Now I could be wrong as two left shoes and I am willing to admit that~~ -- but this is just some of what I see when viewing this remarkable video...you see what you want to see when you watch it.

Hey what can I say Crazy recognizes crazy...

KUDOZ KANYE I SALUTE YOU!

Judgement Day...

2010-09-25T20:17:00.013-04:00

**Well first I want to say, it is has been 8 months since I last visited my blog. I could write some creative excuse, however honestly I have not felt inspired or motivated. I didn't really feel like sharing the ups & downs of everyday life. So you ask, well what prompted you to write today? Don't know, just knew I needed an area to get it out.**

At every phase in our lives we will be judged whether we want to or not. You are judged in the womb, whether you are a reactive baby to specific things or if you are constantly moving. Little Johnny will obviously love (fill in the blank) music because he just moves all around every time he hears it. Little Amy will not like (fill in the blank) food because she keeps me up all night every time I eat it. Fast forward to your preschool years its evident that Julius will become a musical protégé since his scribbling are indicative of composing. Elementary school: Winona is going to have a type A personality because her homework, books and desk is always perfect. She also has issues when things are not done within a certain timeline. High school: Edward, is going to be a loser and drop out since he constantly sleeps through class and never responds when called upon. College: Ramona, will definitely be a successful, well known business woman because of (fill in the blank).

All your life you will constantly be judged for one reason or another. Judging is perfectly fine when it fits within the parameters of things we find acceptable or positive.

HOWEVER, when that judging is deemed critical or negative that is when we yell NOT FAIR!

If you are a follower of the Bible, which I am it says "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7: 16-20

To that I like to add "so don't get angry when I survey your fruit!!!" hey I am not trying to add to God's word but I'm just saying...

I personally don't mind being judged, it is when that judgement is based on empirical data, stereotype or ignorance when I begin to take issue with being judged. People have always applied their own labels to me, some assume that I am "stuck-up", "condescending", "wealthy", "insensitive", "user", "too sensitive", "weak", "easily intimidated" "calculated", "spiteful" the list goes on and on and those are just the "negative" comments. I am not going out of my way to disprove your thoughts because honestly it is evident that you do not know me as well as you claim.

Judging does get to me though, especially when I share with you personal information about me and instead of you being an educated & humane thinker you choose to regress into a bigoted primitive person in your thoughts. In today's society things evolve in minutes, gone are the days where it takes days and weeks for things to change. What you may know at 7am has changed by 715am. In the age of Twitter, Facebook, Internet Messaging, I phones, Blackberry's Skype and etc...media/knowledge changes so instantly that we don't have time to sometimes absorb what you initially knew.

In today's society ignorance or responding in an ignorant way is not acceptable.

If you can take time to write a Facebook/Twitter status you can take time to research the subject that you are about to say/leave a negative comment about. If you can text someone, purchase an item on the internet, operate a computer, run, skip or jump you STILL don't have the right to remain ignorant on ANY subject unless it is molecular biology or the effective schematic of how to reroute a binary ISP, LOL!!!

Simply: There is no reason ANY person should be or RESPOND ignorantly to any given subject at hand unless it is some analytical/theoretical graduate course that makes no Godly sense.

We no longer should look to others to police our thoughts or actions. We must and are required to police ourselves when we are wrong, especially when you KNOW you are wrong.

Whether you choose to admit it or not is not the question.

If there is something that you do not understand or don't have full information on, take time to go to that same internet that you get your jollies on and look it up in-depthly. Take some time to really learn something about it and then formulate your views. Having knowledge on something is exclusive to opinion. Why? Because the facts remain the same no matter who voices their views on that same fact. How you argue your opinion or persuade someone of your opinion does not remove the facts of an issue/item.

So with all this said, I would hope to encourage people to seriously think about the ramifications of what you say when you open your mouth to others on their personal lives especially when that mouth is speaking ignorantly on a subject they have not given due study to. Not only do you offend the one you have exposed your foolery to but you just might end up becoming even more offended by the words that are directed back at you. I pride myself on being very particular with my words so as not to INTENTIONALLY insult a person. I always say, "I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I will NOT apologize for how I feel about a subject. However I will apologize if what I said hurt you because that never is/was my intent"

Lastly and very importantly, people seriously take the time to learn something about the subject you're speaking on -- you may find, that what you THINK you know is completely untrue, unfounded or has been disproved.

Then who is the one standing with egg on their face??

Confliction vs. Conviction

2010-01-03T18:33:00.018-05:00

Hello everyone.

Happy New Year and all that jazz. This is my first blog of 2010 and you will never understand how much turmoil I have been in -- to write this blog. mental strife is so much more overwhelming than physical strife. The power the mind has to propel you forward and accomplish things OR to allow you to remain stagnate and not do anything is boggling.

I have been going through so much mental anguish that I can not begin to detail it all or should I say rather not detail it. I want to discuss with you conviction vs. confliction. I truly have been in mental conflict for the past several months, it might even be a true reach to say for several years now. I mentioned to a family member that I cried more in 2009 than all the years of my adult life; 2009 definitely was a mental challenge. Now that we are at the beginning of 2010 I implore you to seriously evaluate where you are, where you are traveling from and where you are traveling to.

Be honest with yourself - for how can you ask others to live in their authenticity if you are not the first to do so.

Confliction vs. Conviction

conflict

n [ˈkɒnflɪkt]

1. a struggle or clash between opposing forces; battle

2. a state of opposition between ideas, interests, etc.; disagreement or controversy

conviction [kənˈvɪkʃən]

1. the state or appearance of being convinced

2. a fixed or firmly held belief, opinion, etc

As we move into the first Monday of 2010, many of you are venturing back to your regular lifestyles returning from holiday with family and friends, I ask you to think about the above words and determine what is causing conflict in your life. When something/someone has you annoyed, irritated, frustrated, restless/losing sleep, stressed or just plain unhappy it is time to remove it permanently from your life. I know the aforementioned sounds so much simpler than it really is but all it takes is one step at a time.

While I am typing this, I am doing the same thing. I have been unemployed since June'09. When I say my Lord has carried me through this time - it is the bold honest truth.

If you have never been a believer then maybe my blog will help you. All I have cash wise coming into my home every single month since June '09 is $460/mth in child support and through his grace I have been shifting that money around robbing Paul to pay Peter as my grandmother would say. This month, I am registered to go back to school to obtain my Paralegal degree, how is it going to get paid, I don't know.

What I do know is I am not going to pick back up the baggage of stress anymore.

I have been convicted to know that truly if I do my part with every honest effort that God will sustain and take care of the rest. At some point in your life your conviction which is also synonymous with faith has to be so unwavering that you know God will never leave you or forsake you.

I have found that when your conviction is stronger than your confliction you will rest easier and have the peace that surpasses all others. However, when your confliction is stronger than your conviction you will continue to pick up that baggage of stress and dufflebags of worry.

Yes, it is very hard not to be concerned about your situation, as we speak if I do not come up with money by Monday I will be evicted but I know I have honestly done all I can do -- I have to truly let fate rest in God's hands and let life play out. I can not manipulate anything to work in my favor, it is what it is and what will be will be with no help from me.

So as we go into the new year I ask which is stronger for you?

Your confliction?

Your conviction?

Determine what is your driving force OR what is driving you? Take back the control that you relinquished to doubt, worry, people or circumstances. Make a short-term weekly plan and stick to it. When you are overwhelmed with life it is hard to realize the sun is guiding you and lighting your way opposed to blinding you and making you hot. The journey is going to feel like an uphill battle and you are going to want to quit; when others are unsupportive keep moving forward inspite of. Challenge yourself to silently move in life and not speak of all that you are doing -- let your actions provide revelation of your accomplishments opposed to your words. Most of all stay prayerful and not envious of what you see other's have, what is best for you will come in your time and designed uniquely for you.

Have a fantastic beginning of the year. Make sure you are building a strong foundation for the days, weeks and months to come.

Happy New Year!

**UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE**

So through God's blessing and grace, I was able to remain in my apartment. They are working with me considering it is no longer a large balance and on the basis I have been living in this community for such a long time. God's grace is sufficient for thee. When you are going through again, Honestly and Earnestly do all you can and our God will definitely provide your NEEDS.
5 Jan, 2010

**UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE** **UPDATE**

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" (Ephesians 6:12)

Happy Thanks GIVING = A Helping Hand

2009-11-23T17:30:00.010-05:00

Today is one of those introspective days for me.

I realize that I am talented.

Sadly. I have know clue how to channel it or put it to use. I feel like at every turn when I attempt to be of service or use, I am blocked at every point. I know we still press forward so that you may over come adversity. However, there are times in our lives that we must realize many of us DO NOT not want a hand-OUT!! A hand-UP is much better! Trust me when I say SOMEONE helped you accomplish your goals in some form. No one is asking you to invest your energy into someone who is not worth it. Hence the scripture "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6*

Although, people if you honestly see someone who YOU know is talented, You KNOW they are definitely making an effort to improve their lives. Stop standing as a bystander offering WORDS of encouragement. Why not put in some SWEAT Equity into their lives and HONESTLY help them? Do it in such a way where they do not feel like a charity case, that you're being judgmental or feeling SYMPATHY for them. Have some empathy for them. Do you all know the difference between Sympathy and Empathy?

Sympathy is when you feel FOR the person; you’re sorry FOR them or pity them, but you don’t specifically understand what they’re feeling.

Empathy is when you feel WITH the person. To an extent you are placing yourself in that person’s place, have a good sense of what they feel, and understand their feelings to a certain degree.

Everyone is not at the pinnacle of success or has reached a platform in their lives where they are COMFORTABLE. Some of us are still attempting to kick down doors, knock down walls, climb over fences, go through windows when doors have been shut, climb trees and walk on roofs when windows been locked...basically doing whatever however to make their dreams and goals a reality too! Just because you have reached your goals LOOK AROUND there are many of us who still have NOT!!

I am sure if you took the time, you would see there are people in your immediate circle that could benefit from your assistance. You don't have to seek some volunteer organization, a youth group, senior citizen home or a non-profit organization. You have family & friends that you can seed into and see an immediate return on your investment. All investments do not reap dividends over night. They all take time. Just continue to seed into your investment. Also let me clarify seeding into an investment does not mean finances at ALL TIMES. Sometimes you do what is needed at that time. Sometimes it could be assisting someone get a job, get back in school, improving their resume, connecting them with someone in YOUR network that may help them even more than you, give them a book to read, drive them to an interview, pick them up/take them to work. Maybe doing something for their children (if they have children) that otherwise would not be done. Take the kids out on a day trip, whatever you can think of. Evaluate each circumstance and see where you can help.

Once you invest into this individual do not be boastful about your investment.

Do what you do with purity -- from a pure heart and in silence.

No one else needs to do know that you "hooked up" Jeanetta with your friend who makes web pages. Or that you had to leave work early to take Bryan to a job interview. Or that you "made some calls" so that Andrew could get the job. Or that you paid for Laurens tuition/books! It is no ones business except you and God the things that you do.

If you want a blessing BE A BLESSING.

So this Thanksgiving dont just be grateful for what you have. How about lending a hand-UP to others so they too can be Thankful that you have been a blessing in their lives AND Thankful that you have chosen them to be a recipient of your LOVE & WISDOM!

*(New International Version, Holy Bible)

Buffoonery & Foolisness

2009-11-23T12:38:00.006-05:00

Now that we are post-AMAs (American Music Awards) it behooves me to blog on the last performance given by American Idol runner-up Alex Lambert. I was so appalled by his performance. He simulated Oral sex on the stage not once, or twice but several times through out the performance. We shall not talk about the vocals, they were horrific in themselves.

I am sick.
Sick.
Sick.
Sick of Television & Music Media taking advantage of the public intelligence and integrity.

It appears that we as an American viewership have been leveled down to the brain capacity of baboons. And I for one am tired of it! Last night watching the American Music Awards freak show was just it for me. I have been on this steady decline of watching TV for sometime now and have been completely content with using my laptop as my means of viewing quality programming THAT I HAVE SELECTED and not what another deems to be quality for me. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent channels History Channel, A&E, Discovery...however many of these channels are per a cable subscription and if you are operating within a budget you are subject to your local channels plus some video channels that may be free.

Many of these popular shows that so many people LOVE & ADORE are on my **ish list. I can not stand any of the Soap Operas, I refuse to watch Greys Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, The Real Housewives of ANYWHERE, or etc...

Some of you may say AW WW Fawn, you are just a prude and taking it to serious and too far. Uh NO I am not to both statements. I am a grown Sexually happy woman. I am comfortable with who I am. Trust those who are close to me can vouch for it. But there comes a time when DAMN do we have to be subjected to the buffoonery and foolishness that is broad casted over these television/radio/satellite waves?? It does not matter the ethnicity of those partaking in the buffoonery and foolishness. Before I get those who say I am talking about black programming i.e. BET, hey if the shoe fits!!

However, I am talking about ALL programming.

And I do mean ALL!!

I had someone say to me, I was upset about the Adam Lamberts performance because he was gay. Again, those who know me, know that statement incited nothing but fire missiles back at that person because hoonay I love my Gays, WORD! LOL!! I am the furthest thing from Homophobic.

Respect, Integrity, Intelligence, Morals, and just overall good programming transcends sexual orientation and race. As I told this person, When Madonna did it on the AMAs in the late 90s I hated it then. Every time I see a Music artist create a video and they simulate that foolishness in there I hate it too. Can somethings just be left to the privacy of our own bedrooms??? Does every dog gone thing have to be publicly viewed? I mean I know sex sells, I am not that naive, however can we have just a little restraint? JUST A LITTLE, leave a little to our imaginations you know??

Where are our standards?

Whenever I turn the television on do I have to question what is going to be presented to me? We are living in a time where the youth of today are completely desensitized to integrity and quality of programming. They have seen and heard so much that EVERYTHING is OK and acceptable. From clothing, to how they act in school, to what they listen to, to what they eat and what they drink. Come on y'all when we were coming up, your parents would look at you sideways if you asked them to go to a Starbucks coffee shop and buy you some coffee. SAY WHAT? You want a Venti Caramel Mocha Latte?? You say you want a RED BULL or Crunk Juice?? Please you barely got a sip of their morning coffee let alone some gourmet artisan mixed coffee and had to beg for Hawaiian Punch!!

My point is where are our standards?????

Our parents understood what sugar did so hence many of us did not have much of it around our homes. Much of the food, drink, television and radio taste we have acquired occurred in our adult years through our own experimentation. Not through parental exposure. I have a two-year old and he watches TWO channels seriously! PBS kids and Nick Jr. And even then I am sitting there watching Yo Gabba Gabba real good to make sure he is not doing something questionable!!

We must become a stronger voice with these media conglomerates and let them know our outrage in what they are presenting to us. Somebody saw that dress rehearsal that Adam Lambert did and they STILL let him go through with that performance NOT QUESTIONING ONE IOTA that there would be a vast majority of us who honestly did not want to see that foolishness!

Oh well, back to the internet I go for my select programming at least there I can select what I personally watch and not be forced fed buffoonery and foolishness!

Music: NOT in the key of life

2009-11-17T16:28:00.011-05:00

I have been having the hardest time understanding the direction music is going these days. I truly understand my grandfather when he used to say to me about Rap "Fawn, what is the bitty-bitty, be-bop, be-bop, hippety-hippety hop, foolishness" I would say, "Grandaddy, if you just listen to the words you'd understand" and he would respond, "Well, I can't hear it over all that boom, boom, bap and noise" Well guess what people -- gone are the days when we could say the tune or track was diverting us from focusing on what is being said.

Now a-days you can't understand *ish because (in my best broken language) THEY AIN'T SAYING *ISH!! Gone are the days where folks sat down and wrote words with lyricism and sense. Gone are the days where people write music that allows you to be introspective and reflective of your life so you may become a better person or contemplate the past. Gone are the days where music was made to just make you dance and FEEL GOOD! Gone are the days were music was written with some form of lyrical content and not just a hot base line or drum beat. Gone are the days where music was uniquely individual or signature -- when you heard it, you automatically knew that the writers/singers were Aretha Franklin, Brand New Heavies, Eric B. & Rakim, EPMD, Gladys, Knight, Gamble & Huff, Heavy D, Holland, Dozier & Holland, Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis, L.A. Reid, Marvin Gaye, Michael Jackson, McFadden & Whitehead, Narada Michael Walden, Patrice Rushen, Prince, Sade, Stevie Wonder, Teddy Riley, Today, and Zhane just to name a few...in the words of one of my favorite radio DJ Ed Lover http://www.edlover.tv/ "C'mon Son!!"

I mean even the pop/rock music was on point who doesn't remember jamming to Ace of Base, Air Supply, Bon Jovi, Christopher Cross, Duran Duran, The Eagles, Fleetwood MAC, INXS, Journey, The Pet Shop Boys, Phil Collins, Robert Plant, Spandu Ballet, Tears for Fears, Twisted Sister, U2, and Van Halen again just to name a few. Come on y'all we all know we weren't exclusively all Hip-Hop, R&B and Soul.

When has it been OK, to say you want to Supaman day hoe(and if you don't know what he is saying -- you really don't want to know!)....ewww?! Or jam to some Stanky Leg?!

When was it OK to take children's candy or a clapping game and turn them into songs i.e Laffy Taffy, Do Your Chain Hang Low????

When was it OK to make every one of your songs sound like some harmonica feed back? I mean Roger Troutman was cool with his Computer Love. However, damn T-Pain I don't think he meant you to run with that *ish and try to make its own musical genre!! I mean sheesh, why is Mary Mary and Bebe & Cece Winans now jumping on the whole Auto Tunes kick? Y'all make Jesus want to say "Let'em burn -- the hell with them all!!" I like my Gospel music to sound like I am listening to something DIFFERENT than "I'm in love with a stripper" or "Time for the Percolator". Yes, y'all my two best friends and I were listening to a Gospel radio station in NC one Friday night and they had the nerve to play some gospel group who had used the Percolator track as the base for the song. We were like what the holy hell??? So while you singing "Jesus keep me near the cross, you can bump your behind and do the tootsie roll"??? **shaking my head**

When did music get to the point where it had to be dumbed down to be accepted by the masses????

I mean DAMN!!!!!!! For real I feel Nathan McCall when he said "Makes Me Wanna Holler" http://www.amazon.com/Makes-Me-Wanna-Holler-America/dp/0679740708!!

I respect Angie Stone, Erykah Badu, Eric Benet, Jill Scott, Johnta Austin, Music SoulChild, Ne-Yo and R, Kelly(Let's not go there!)

The point is these people write their music with lyrical content. Like it OR NOT. I mean seriously I really could have gone without hearing Kells new single Pregnant ft. Tyrese...that really could have been left in that musical brain yanno?! But I digress. These types of artist not only can write words, BUT can write & READ music. In addition to playing a variety of instruments.

Now lets explore what I mean when I say write music -- I SPECIFICALLY MEAN to place musical notes on a musical scale according to it's harmonious assignment ex. A,D,F or G..you get me - some of these fools would not know a musical sale, note or metronome if it slapped them in their face. Shoot, I can't sing a lick and I know more about musical harmony and history than some of these idiots. I mean the Lord said make a joyful noise, so I am definitely joyful without a doubt when I make my noise!

So that brings me to the latest crop of people like this Lady Gaga man/woman(that is still out for the jury) what the heck is he/she saying???? Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah! Hubba Bubba! What about music videos what exactly is Alicia Keys telling us in her latest video -- is she apart of the Heroes cast: The new purple superhero? What did the Super Squirters have to do with Beyonce ft. Lady Gaga's Video Phone? I just don't get it people, I really don't and I am ONLY 36!!!!

Y'all I am afraid I have completely aged out of the music of today's time. I officially feel old as a dinosaur because I swear I can not relate.

So if I have to keep rocking my Mary J until Jesus returns or try to stay relevant with Ndambi, Rahsaan Patterson, Raheem Devaughn, Little Brother, KEM, Will Downing, Mos Def, Dave Hollister or somebody I can damn well relate too I guess that is just what I have to do.

What happen to music appreciation?

It sounds more like music defecation now!

Domestic Violence...when wrong is just WRONG!

2009-11-12T16:12:00.011-05:00

I know this is not politically correct and I may appear to be a traitor to my own female species but DAMMIT this is HOW I FEEL. And I am entitled to it!

I think Rihanna is annoyingly phony! Funny I had this conversation last night so let me get to the point. It is not right for NOBODY to put their hands on each other. All this don't put your hands on a woman, uh huh OK. There are some women/men out here that would make your ears bleed from the **ish** they say and how they get all up in a man, woman, cat or dog face. Don't matter if it is Female + Male, Male + Male or Female + Female, IT IS NOT RIGHT!!! Now there are some brutal men out here and we all know this and some sick men out here too who get kicks from beating women -- OK remove them from this conversation.

Many of us have had (unless you have not been in a long term relationship) arguments with your mates that have gotten pretty heated and somebody said too much and had to walk away before 911 has been called and that still didn't make you all cool off too quick. However if you in close quarters and somebody with a smart mouth like Rhianna and y'all know I'm not lying. I mean come on she said "eff Love" on National TV, wow???? You KNOW she was all in Chris face while he was driving and she SAID she would not let it go. You know she was getting it in on that boy, we know she was getting them licks good while he was driving that car.

That was the last damn straw and HE SNAPPED!

He couldn't go no where and she couldn't go no where.

WAS IT RIGHT NO!!! HELL NO!! BUT HELL I UNDERSTAND!

I bet y'all wholeheartedly if the argument would have went down in a house or hotel it would not have gone down like that because he could walk away. However, she in his car IN HIS FACE -- and I will say IN HIS FACE y'all know what I am saying and we all know when folks raise up on us in your personal space that is a done deal! Where was she 9months ago when she could've been doing PS As then for DV, huh?? Gallivanting all around getting naked with boobie shots all over the place and trying to get her pose on. Now her AND HIS album coming out she throwing shade on his all the while trying to get sympathy and press for her self. Then her dad was trying to take up for his daughter and she threw her own daddy under the bus by saying how he abused her mother so that is why she thought it was OK to go back. OK that might be true but referring to Chris as THAT PERSON and just saying his mere being Annoyed her she is lying!

AND ANOTHER DAMN THING...where was all these DV people when damn Norbit came out? I hated that movie with a passion and still the hell do. Raspushia was kicking his behind Mentally and Physically and folks thought that was funny as hell when it was not a damn thing funny about how she treated him. Oh it is comedy when a woman is doing it to a man but we oh so serious as a heart attack and trying to damn near ruin a young mans career over his one time SNAPPED issue. Hell he is the damn poster child for SNAPPED. Oprah Winfrey is wrong because she knew she should not have weighed in on the issue without offering BOTH of them help. Then she gonna let Bebe Winans "in the closet " wife abuse behind on her show. When their are police records to show how he REPEATEDLY beat his wife. NOT ONCE BUT SEVERAL TIMES!! Just because he her new gay friend don't make it any better. Folks are screaming on Chris..why not give him a chance to redeem his self?? We are not talking about someone who has a history of violence like a Suge Knight but freaking CHRIS BROWN...folks jumping on the DV bandwagon cause it sounds all nice and politically correct when they know the deal.

AGAIN he was WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! However a woman knows when her man is about to snap -- hell we all know when we push people in general too far. How many times you back talk your mother and you knew that one last time she was on her way to beat your behind -- you knew what you were doing but you wanted to be a smarty pants anyway..serves you right if you got your butt beat. You should not have taken it that far. So in summary just leave Chris alone -- let him move forward and Rhianna move forward. She has lessons as a woman she needs to learn in terms of her maturity and he certainly has lessons as a man to learn in term of his maturity also. No matter what age you are DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER -- it does not matter if the end result is someone physically abusing another OR if someone is verbally or mentally abusing you.

Verbal, Mental, Physical degradation of another = ABUSE. Just because a person does not walk away with scars and bruises does not mean they are not wounded from your words! Once you speak it -- it can never be retracted. I used to teach little kids about the words we say by giving them all small Dixie cups with Popsicle sticks and small samples of toothpaste tubes. I then asked them to squeeze as much of the toothpaste out into the cup. The kids had a glorious time doing this. I then would then ask them now use the Popsicle stick and try to put the toothpaste BACK in the tube. Of course none could ever get it back in. After a while of trying, I then would stop them and say -- the toothpaste is your words and the tube is your mouth.

Once things come out no matter how hard you try, you can never get it back in.

BE WISE of the Words we say and how we USE them!! Abuse is Abuse!!

Let Go and Let God...

2009-10-15T13:41:00.005-04:00

We all have heard the infamous saying "Let go and Let God". Such a simple five word phrase. However, it is one of the most difficult things to do. Our society has taught us since we have known how to walk and talk, to become self-reliable, independent, focused individuals. One of the sayings I was taught early in my life was "I am the Captain of my fate, the Master of my soul." We place such high emphasis on your level to create and maintain opportunity for yourself and if you are unable to do that; that thereby deems you a failure, unproductive, or a follower.

We are supposed to be mavericks in this here world. Our own personal Christopher Columbus or Ponce De Leon. Although, what one fails to acknowledge is even Chris Columbus did not find America solely on his own. Forging out your own footpath in this world can be a hard, lonely and at time a vicious process. Dealing with life's curve balls on your own also can be a challenging ordeal. Recently, I have been listening to Donald Lawrence CD, The Law of Confession it speaks about how our words hold so much power and how if we would only look to God's word for our relief and answers, we would overcome all challenges and situations that face us.

As I was looking for my picture for my blog today I came across this poem that so eloquently sums up our stubbornness as God's children:

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
Because he was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him
In peace, to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
With ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back
And cried, “How can you be so slow?”
My child, He said, ” What could
I do” You never did let go.”
Author: Unknown

If we would only submit to his will and Let Go. It is such a simple thing to do. It is not some Sudoku puzzle, some Algebraic problem, some Logic question that has your mind boggled. God commands us to simply LET GO.

**"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."** Matthew 11: 28-30 NIV Holy Bible

What's in a Name

2009-10-14T21:56:00.008-04:00

The following is a devotional I wrote 6 years ago.

Fawn1 / fôn / n. 1 deer in its first year 2 light yellowish brown---adj.
Fawn2 v. 1 behave servively (of or like a slave) 2 show extreme affection [OE]

Have you ever thought about how the name you have has an immediate interaction with the person you are or become? Read various articles or books and they all tell you to take careful choice in the name that you give your children. They have websites that can analyze a name and tell you your astrological chart. They have books that can give a characterization on the person you are just by the meaning or letters in your name.

I remember when I was a teenager, my cousin and I used to play a game where we would write a boy's full name with our name, give the letters a number and then add the numbers with ours. Depending on the sum of the number it told you if the boy "loved" you or not. Funny, the games we play as children, never realizing that there is always some truth in error. Don't get me wrong I am not saying that the children's game actually was a correct game, but the premise was there---what's in a name?

When I researched my name I was amazed to find the meaning of my name so closely paralleled the woman I was/am. Lets break it down, shall we? With the exception of the common meaning that Fawn means baby deer, Fawn also means light yellowish brown. Well, oddly enough I must admit that my skin tone is one of a light yellowish brown complexion. Fawn also means to behave of or like a slave, I am not ashamed to admit at one time, I have behaved with a slave mentality. Lastly, Fawn means to show extreme affection as in---Why is she fawning all over you? Herein again, I have to acknowledge that I have behaved in such a way in the past. You think my mother knew that I would so closely become the name she chose for me? Honestly, I don't think so. My mother was a Waccamaw Indian, so I think she was doing what is common in that ethnic group and that is to name your children after things of nature.
Who am I, you ask?

That is a very good question---Until recent years I was never able to answer that question for myself. For years I struggled with defining who I am. Always finding a way to become what others needed me to be. My life has been riddled with tragedy and disappointment like many; I believe it is how you deal with that tragedy and disappointment that counts. My mother was 34 when she died and I was 11, at 18 my paternal grandmother died; at 21 my paternal grandfather died, at 26 my father died and at 27 my maternal grandmother was the last to die. Through all of these deaths, a part of me would die with them and a part of me would be reborn. I learned from experience that life truly was survival of the fittest and you either move on or life moves on with out you.

After battling four years of depression, five years of low self esteem and seven years of questioning God. I finally came into my own realization that who I am as a person does not have to measure up to be what others would have me to be. I realized that who I indeed am is a wonderfully made, beautifully designed and intricately created child of God! I realized that at every valley in my life that my faith is what sustained me and brought me through. I realized that God was truly a God of grace and mercy. I also realized that Gods plan always has meaning and it is up to you to be willing to allow him to show you his plan so you may gain understanding of the past, present, and future.

Sometimes as humans we tend to limit God and what he can do for us.

We are visual creatures, we must have something that we can tangibly see, hear, touch, taste or smell. If what we are seeking does not fall within one of these five categories we tend to lose hope, gain doubt and disbelief. What many miss out on is, God does use the five senses to talk to us each and every day. It is up to you to pay attention and use discernment in what method he is using to speak to you. I have learned to be more in tune with Gods voice and to stop looking for the BOOMING theatrical voice from above to come and rescue me or stop me from doing something. When you acknowledge his small wonders, pay attention to life on a daily basis and thank God for his grace and mercy consistently; you begin to realize that everything is really all in control. You learn to really Love God deeply and passionately. You learn to have such a strong dependent relationship on him that when troubles come, you can really say "This too shall pass" and BELIEVE IT.

So I end this by asking the question I started with, "What's in a name?" Well there is comfort in a name, there is love in a name, there is strength in a name, there is courage in a name, there is peace in a name, there is patience in a name, there is determination in a name, there is success in a name, and most of all there is POWER in a name.

Whatever your name may be always know that you are a child of God, and in his name you can do ALL things. So whether you call him God, Allah, Yahweh, Abba, Jehovah-jireh, Jehovah-nissi, Jehovah-shalom, Jehovah-shammah, or Jehovah-tsidkenu never ever forget to call him for he is your lifeline and sustaining power.

**I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.** John 14: 12-14 NIV Holy Bible

Made to order...

2009-10-14T14:44:00.007-04:00

Over this past weekend, a wonderful thing happened to me. A man that I have been involved with asked me to marry him. My first thought was WOW -- you really are serious (he had previously asked me the month before) so to see the genuineness, seriousness, and sincerity in his eyes was all I needed to know that this is the man that God "made" for me.

I have been involved in some OK relationships in years past and I have had bad relationships just like many of you. However, you know it does not take a rocket scientist to know when you have a real diamond in your presence and you better step up -- because if not somebody is waiting in the rafters to step on. Of all the men that I have dated, Eric has been the only man in my life to be concerned about my true well-being wholly and Holy with the exception of my brother and The Lord!! To me that says a lot. In my past, I have always had men to see me as The Bank of Fawn or The Hospital of (F)oolish (A)ngels (W)ith (N)aive hearts. At times, they have thought I was the bank and hospital combined into one. People, it just wears a person down. I never became pessimistic, although I did start to look at life just a little jaded. I knew/know that I have my share of issues (don't we all) but I felt like I would much rather remain single and serve the Lord as a soiled dove than continue to be involved with these men and be a dodo bird.

One afternoon I came home and prayed, I said "Lord, enough is enough"! I am ready for my husband whomever he may be and wherever he may be. If you do not see fit to send me him now I will serve you completely no matter what. I was tired y'all just tired with a capital "T"!!

When God brings you your blessing know this -- that blessing is uniquely and exquisitely designed just for YOU and no one else. Another may see a vase full of holes and cracks. But in your eyes those holes are areas that can provide nourishment from the rain and sun. To allow that plant to grow up and out. Those cracks are for drainage and air. To allow that plant to not drown in water and to allow the roots to breathe and not rot. The functionality and purpose may be completely different for me than for you.

Your blessing is MADE TO ORDER God gives you exactly what YOU need, when YOU need it, how YOU need it and where YOU need it. Don't get discouraged when others don't understand or accept your blessing. The key word in the following statement is YOUR blessing. It is not for THEM so it is not for THEM to accept or reject. Walk into your destiny and accept the blessing that he(God) has for you and don't feel bad about your blessing. There is a reason and purpose for everything, your life may be a conduit for change to another life and or a source of encouragement through your testimony for someone else.

Know that your blessing(s) are custom made to order just for you and they will show up at their appointed time to give you what you need to continue through your life journey.

**For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.** Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV Holy Bible

R.E.S.P.E.C.T -->NOT!

2009-10-06T16:21:00.004-04:00

Well, I have been watching the news and just paying attention to local, state, national and world events and this is what I have observed. Let me preface this by saying if this does not apply to you do no take it personally -- but I am recognizing the blatant disrespect that many Caucasian(White)people have for our President Barack Obama.

Now I make this statement after having conversations with MY FRIENDS white & black alike. And WE ALL have recognized the same things.

Examples:
All other Presidents are addressed formally as PRESIDENT so & so but noooo the media outlets float between Barack Obama, Barack, Mr. Obama and President Obama. When has it been OK to address the PRESIDENT any other way other PRESIDENT?? I mean come on?!

The whole Joe Wilson "You Lie" situation - when has it been OK to shout at our President?! This isn't Parliament, some sports game or some college debate!

You have been at work and have heard the water cooler conversations, talk radio and home conversations that people have been having about our President.

Now I am calling upon you all the be really be honest. You know I am being truthful and I do not dive into the race pool without reason. I really don't want to say it is race but dammit it is what it is! I may not agree with President Obama on his policies and his decisions but dang gone he is still my ELECTED PRESIDENT!! My goodness, I mean come on -- is it that deep that you all do not want a black President??? I mean really??? Is it that serious?!

I for one could not stand -- and I will repeat I COULD NOT STAND President George W. Bush but I was never disrecptful in my reference or addressing him. These days these people all but spit in President Obama's face and try to treat and talk to him like he a common man.

Well hello people all that stopped when he was elected President! YOU MAY NOT HAVE ELECTED HIM -- but he was elected by the people and for the people no less.

So chill and stop with the foolishness and disrespect because it is really ridiculous and insult to us who see the office of PRESIDENT as a highly regarded and respectful position.

That's my two cents!

A new beginning...or so I think?!

2009-10-05T02:05:00.003-04:00

Well, hello world! I have been wanting to do this for a while and for whatever reasons I have just started this today. Let me give you some background on who I am before I(we) proceed. My full name is Fawn Nicole Rhodes, I was born in Wilmington, NC where I currently reside. However, I have not always lived in the beautiful state of North Carolina, I have also lived in Georgia & Pennsylvania. Now that we did the geography lesson, I am a 36-year old single mother to an energetic 2 year old boy, I have some higher education although I have not completed my degree, which we will get into discussion on this blog. Lets see, I tend to be a pretty open woman about most topics and as the saying goes I am not so "heavenly minded that I am no earthly good", again you will understand more about this statement later. I enjoy cooking, reading, listening to music, being in the company of family and friends and most of all I enjoy my solitude!! I am a gadget/media head -- love gadgets and I am a YouTube addict.

So that is the gist of it..As we move further you will learn more and hopefully you will find similarities in your life, points you agree with or hdisagree with and as I grow --- you grow. So without further delay, lets get right into the meat and potatoes...as one of my favorite video blogs Qaadir aka Timaya would say.

Meat and Potatoes...

2009-10-05T01:31:00.008-04:00

So anyhow I have been employed/unemployed/employed and now unemployed again. I am like WTHeck???? So give you some background. I worked for a department store for the past 5 years and after 5 years they decided to fire me for the following 3 reasons 1. I purhased a pair of Toddler shoes on the clock at 558pm oppoosed to clocking out at 6pm and checking the shoes in. 2. I wore a pair of Jones NY jeans to work on a day we had a SWIM fashion show that I participated in and my manager saw me in and instead of saying she had a problem with the jeans she wrote me up and never let me know she wrote me up and informed the store manager, ooh company policy can't wear jeans. 3. I was asked to clock out for lunch and on three occassions after being asked I did not clock out for lunch. Mind you I have never had scheduled lunches this is just how I requested my schedule to be and I was not the person that would go and take lunch in lieu of "officially" clocking out.

So for these reasons they decided to terminate my employment so anywhooo, I was shocked but you know a person has their pride and I am not begging anyone for a job. Even in todays economy. So I made a move and became a cab driver, I had all this supposed potential of how much cash I could be making working the 7am to 6pm shift but needless to say I guess the economy affected that also since I was barely making it. So now I am looking at the possibility of working at Harris Teeter, grocery store; Handee Hugo, gas station; Loews Foods, grocery store or last but not least Bojangles. I really prayed on this situation today, Lord knows I do not want to enter into a fast food enviroment but you do what you got to do. I would love to find somehing more desk oriented, however I am scheduled to start Cape Fear Community College in Jan to acquire my Paralegal degree. I will be going full-time and I do not want ANYTHING to confict with my ability to finally acquire something that is more than a diploma!

You may ask why is that so important to me, well for so long I have been in and out of the education system and when I first went to college I did not view it as a choice "I" was making. More of a statement "This is where you are going and that is that!!" Also I was told what my major would be --- PRE-LAW since I was supposed to be headed to law school immeidately after College. As life and stubborness would have it I did not focus well because of a variety of family situations and needless to say I never completed my degree.

Now at the ripe age of 36, I am going for my paralegal degree only to subsequently end up with my Juris Doctorate degree so I may be a Magistrate. It is your parents job to know you even when you DONT!!

The Straw that broke the camels back...

2009-10-04T17:41:00.008-04:00

So, all day I have been watching some of everything on YouTube one of my favorite channels right now (in terms of her home style cooking) is Smuve Complexions (http://www.youtube.com/user/Ateyaaa). I truly enjoy cooking it is almost like my personally therapy. Trouble is I don't get an opportunity to execute that therapy more often since I have a picky two-year old and I reiterate that I am a single mom. So cooking for ONE is really not something I rank up there as one of my favorite things I like to do, ya feel me???!!

Well where do I begin, I keep saying that I am a single mother but I that brings up a good question that I do not have a problem presenting to this medium called the Internet.

When do you officially classify yourself within a relationship?
The communication that you have with that person -- what qualifies it as a relationship?

Well back in June I really had my fill of men. I was on a variety of Internet dating "social" sites and all of them in MY OPINION subliminally promoted sexual hookups. Now of course, as an adult you choose to allow that communication to develop in what you find best for you -- but lets be honest we all know that most of these sites really are Internet hookup sites. I mean if you think I am lying check out the ads that are running along the banners, the pop up once you visit the sites and the SPAM that you receive in your email. Now I am a big proponent that people have the right to do what they want in whatever manner that two consenting adults choose to do it -- but I have to say at the risk of sounding like some Internet hypocrite/prude "ENOUGH is ENOUGH". All I really wanted to meet was that ONE quality man that was best for ME.
So let me give you some 411 on me: First and foremost I do not own a car and I have not had a car for the last 10 years (Man, do I have a story for everything). I do not like having to ask anyone to pick me up and take me anywhere unless it is necessary and even then I try to have my own money to call a taxi. Which makes for an expensive lifestyle in terms of transportation because I always try to maximize my taxi rides by doing all I need to do while I am out and remember I have that two year old that I have to get to/from daycare daily! When I worked at a local department store I used to spend on minimum of $10/day to get home from work and that is if I was just going from work-to daycare-to home. Now if I had to go by the grocery store that would of course run the meter higher. So needless to say I have been doing the Transportation Shuffle for a good while now. Funny, I can also say that my online presence began exactly around the same time I became transportation handicap.

OK so, I say this to give you an understanding that I DON'T go out. Nightlife is at home with my son --with him in bed by 930pm and me watching old reruns of The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, What's Happening, Miami Vice and etc.. on veoh.com or hulu.com (We'll talk about my affinity for old TV Shows later...) so needless to say if I am meeting a man it is in my dreams or those I have business with and that is the extent of it. So what did I decide to do -- what any red blooded virile female would do isolated in her home with a toddler ---see if I can meet someone online. So after going through all the flirtations, jokes, foolishness, blocking folks and being Internet stalked (Oh I have to add I have been online for years -- met my son's father online and we were together for 5 years) I finally just got to the point where I said LORD ENOUGH ALREADY!